I have been reading the bible in a year and for the last week I have been reading about Abraham and all his decendents. The story you read tonight is one that I was curious about because Abraham told a lie to protect himself and then I read that Isaac did the same thing with his wife. After my reading, I asked him to make it clear to me.  I now know why I did not understand because of my judgements and thinking I know how God operates based upon my faulty thinking about Abraham being at fault.  Also, not understanding that he is soverign and I will never be able to understand his purposes.  I am not that wise and nothing with him.  It reminded me of the book the Shack and how the man thought he knew or expected things to be one way with God/Jesus but it was nothing he could even image once he really met them. I am so grateful for your gift and how you are teaching us the process of growth. It’s not good or bad but Love.
God Bless
Chelsea

I had not been blogging because of my performance-based ego said I was looking for attention & approval, not realizing that I was hiding because my performance-base ego did not want attention drawn to it. Afraid to come into God’s saving light, I did not want to seem inadequate or want my flaws, mistakes, faulting reasoning, judgments, perfectionist ways exposed to people, even though God already knew. The very thing I’ve been asking God for - “my voice"(being & flowing), healing, deliverance, ability to love others - I’ve been running & hiding from because standing in God’s light is/was death to me because it meant punishment & rejection by God and others.

It was key to me when you (Jill) said that “destroying me is not God’s purpose, but destroying my sinful nature is”.  I understand and am finally grasping that my way of deliverance is not God’s way of deliverance and because I did not trust His methods (calling good evil), I was not truly seeking or pleasing Him, nor walking in sincere faith

I’ve always said it was none of my business what other people thought about me.  But until today I’ve never blogged.  Because it matter more then I cared to admit.  I have been putting up this front for so long that I actually believed the lie.  My eyes were open when I asked God to gut me out, during my fast.  I asked him to send me a word to show me my faults.  WHOA, be careful what you ask for.  My performance-based people pleasing ways have never been so apparent.  My eyes opened when you (Jill)said God has the ultimate word, it doesn’t matter what anyone says if God didn’t say it first.

Man oh Man - when you “think” you got it going on, (EGO) God knows how to bring you back to reality (yes I was truly bleeding last night). I am a life coach/consultant and I have (in my mind) been giving great advice. However it was really based on my ego giving that advance, not wisdom from God, and not what I truly know. For instance, someone was asking me advice about their child yesterday, while they were on the phone and instead of saying, “I dont’ know” or “that is not my expertise” I simply double talked while hurring up to Google the answer. STRAIGHT PRESSED. I did not want to show weakness/human side. Then was proud that “I” gave a great answer because they were grateful and gave Owws and awwws.  I GOT ISSUES.  When you said “don’t drink out of the cup (God’s) or try to sit beside him, I thought of that incident immediately. The funny thing is that God was speaking to me the whole time, but I cancelled it out. I think I am too wise. I don’t want to show my flaws. Yes I may have some insight about certain things, but if I dont’ know, WHAT IS WRONG WITH SAYING YOU DON’T KNOW STEPHANIE. I am really acting as if I am more competent than I really am.  It’s funny because I would tell myself that I am growing in being honest when someone when they asks me a question, but then I had to ask myself, was I being truthful with EVERY aspect of my speech? AWWW NO. And looking at 1 Tim 1:5 - I am not walking in the elements of love: pure heart (google is not God - lol), a good conscience (even in chaos I won’t flinch - that was good Jill, and Sincere faith - (If I don’t know something I simply don’t know - and trust that it will be ok - I am not God nor will I ever be).  I have to learn how to Trust that God truly does have it and know what to do. I need to truly be vulnerable. And not what I believe vulnerability is; Only showing what I want them to see. Sitting over here naked and bleeding (sorry for my visual friends - smile)

Stephanie

@Chelsea - I also studied Abraham and his decendents about 3-4 months ago, and thought so much against Abraham for lying. And had a reason for what he should have done better. Did not really realize I was analyzing and judging him at the same time. Actually judging both, and THEN throwing scripture about Anannias and Saphira, saying “see look what happened to them.” Saying things like “All that faith and he didn’t trust God” I guess we ALL make mistakes, but really ONLY judging Abraham and Sarah. Then when his son did the same thing, “the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree” and saying this to God as if WE were in agreement. Wow I got issues.  But thank you God for showing me the right way and helping me not to judge. 

Thanks Jill for bringing insight on the Scripture in Genesis.

All I can say is keep growing me Lord, I do not have it going on as I think in my mind.

Last night and past Wednesday nites have truly blessed me but also is helping me in the process of where I am today with my journey.  The clip about the mother and her over protection of the daughter has definitely been me and God is helping me through a process I am now experiencing with my own daughter.  Because of her special needs I thought that I could protect her from the ugly things in this world but in so many areas of my over protection I realize I have crippled her in so many areas. I have learned over the past month that I had no control over any of the things I was trying to keep her from experiencing.  Alarms on the house and all of the things I had been doing never prepared me for the day she packed her clothes and left the house and even make arrangements to get where she was going and for a 24 hour period I had no idea where she was.  But through all of that God is speaking to me about the things I need to change about me.  I thank God for His patience with me because there are times when I have heard God say things to me and sometimes it takes me a while to walk in the things He shows me to do.  I just want to say thank you to Jill for how my life is getting better as I surrender to the things that God is saying to me through you. Thank you.

@Stephanie and Chelsea

Remember god looks at the heart. The INTENT is what matters.  Rehab said there were no spies and was commended for it. Rebekah told jacob to deceive his father and brother i guess she lied too if this is how god looks at things. It is best to stay out of God’s seat as only he has ALL the facts

I am still digesting last night spiritual banquet. Oh my goodness - I see GOD’s love in a totally different light.  Jill, you provided the three ingredients to get me to love.  (1) Having a pure heart, which my heart has become sensitive and is open to receive GOD’s truth for me to grow and learn.  However, I have a lot of work to do with (2) good conscience (well-developed) and (3) sincere faith.

When you asked the question “who’s at fault? Who’s the Bad Guy?  I raised my hand pointing to Abraham.  My first thought was that he “lied” and didn’t tell the truth.  After you confirmed that no one was at fault and no one was the bad guy - -my spirit whispered to me “you are so judgmental.” I didn’t think I was being judgmental, but because of my undeveloped conscience I couldn’t see GOD’s love.  I was too busy trying to look at his wrong.  I asked myself the question - - how many times have you lied and it wasn’t out of anything but protecting my ego. I remember reading Mathew: 7:4 “how can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?” My undeveloped conscience has hindered me from seeing beyond the wrong and calling good evil and evil good. 

The areas with my children who are grown had me thinking of my insincere faith.  My false sense of love and false guilt had me trying to make up for my mistakes towards them when they were children.  My husband and I have enabled them in a lot of areas of their life’s.  My adult children life’s are in total chaos (from my perspective) and they are still trying to find out who they are.  I keep trying to point them back to GOD but it is evident that I must get out of the way.  I have to work on developing sincere faith and good conscience so that God can work in all of us.  I cannot predict their futures.

Hopefully, confessing, letting go of false guilt, accepting my truth is a start to developing my sincere faith and good conscience.

This is a hard truth that is coming with a lot of tears and pain!!!  Jill, Thanks for showing me another side of GOD’s love.

Peaches (ATL)

Wow!!!! If you weren’t in my head yesterday.  I tell you God was speaking directly to me.  I have to just say Jill how much I love and appreciate you.  I know that i know that I know, with out a shadow of a doubt that you have been sent to heal and set THIS CAPTIVE FREE!!! Yesterday I was going through some warfare in my mind over a mistake I thought I made.  I went through for most of the day thinking about what people would think. I started getting the pains in my stomach that come from anxiety, my whole mood changed, I was being zapped of my energy.  Finally i text two of my friends and ask them to pray.  But then I heard your voice in my head and I prayed, “Well God if I made this mistake I can always learn from it.  And any truth I receive will not be to hurt me but to heal me and I can learn and grow from this as well.” Now I prayed that but it was still head knowledge. But once I came to bible study, and you began to speak I began to feel the weight lifted.  I’m going to be selfish and say yesterday’s word was just for me.  The flaws and the fear of being inadequate is so huge for me but I’m determined to break free.  I don’t want to operate in fear any longer.  I want a sincere faith not a fixed up man made, doctored up faith.  But a faith that is true and pure.  I bought the cd last night and am going to listen to it again today, but I had to take this opportunity to be one of the ones who got their healing and didn’t just walk away but to turn back and say thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!! And mostly thank you God for hearing my prayers!!!!  I know as I listen I’ll get more so I’ll be back blogging again.

I thought I’d find a “boo boo” story to help me get passed what I think God does and does not care about. When I hear stories about doing #2 I say to myself this is TMI (too much information), You could have left that out… did I really need to hear that. Well, while I am not putting this in as justification for what anyone does, I am using this to remind myself that the Bible has a TMI story too.

1 Sam 24:3-4 ... He came to the sheep pens along the way; a cave was there, and Saul went in to relieve himself [BOO BOO; TOOK A CRAP]. David and his men were far back in the cave. 4 The men said, “This is the day the Lord spoke of when he said to you, ‘I will give your enemy into your hands for you to deal with as you wish.’” Then David crept up unnoticed and cut off a corner of Saul’s robe.

My dysfunction: Did I really need to know what he was doing in the cave? It goes to show that God ain’t caught up in my idiosyncrasies (mannerisms, quirks)… ummm ummm!

Every place in God is a saving place. Do you know the God of Psalm 139:7-12?

Ps 139:7-12
Where can I go to get away from your Spirit? Where can I run to get away from you? 8 If I go up to HEAVEN, you are there. If “I” make my bed in HELL, you are there. 9 If “I” climb upward on the rays of the morning sun or land on the most distant shore of the sea where the sun sets, 10 even there YOUR HAND WOULD GUIDE ME and your right hand would hold on to me. 11 If “I” say, “Let the darkness hide me and let the light around me turn into night,” 12 even the darkness is not too dark for you. Night is as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you. (God’s Word Translation)

I too Like Joanne and Virginia had not been blogging purely out of my ego and my desire to be perfect in MY EYES. But I told myself the lie that I really just didn’t have anything to say about the subject. And I can’t remember exactly how Jill put it last night, so I will say it how I heard it for me. Instead of letting other people put me on the short bus, I put myself on the short bus by accepting the lie that I had nothing to add to the discussion. When the truth is I always have something to say, I just pick and choose when and to whom I say it too. And it’s all because I want to express myself in a way that I feel is without flaws. So when Jill said last night “It’s time to grow and let everyone see your flaws”, I knew I could no longer be silent while waiting for a way to express myself flawlessly. So today I embark on the journey of expressing myself without thinking about how I’m going to say something for a ridiculous amount of time and I won’t even go back and reread my post and change it a bazillion times trying to make it “perfect”.

Last night made me see how not having a good conscience will keep me in somebody else’s box.  When I constantly think something they did or are doing is a result of something I neglected to do I will constantly try to go the extra mile to prevent them from what I perceive as a bad consequence. (Example: For the longest time after my sister told me she lost her virginity I cried because I immediately started saying/thinking it was because I was mean to her when we were younger, & it was because I didn’t let her hang with me & as a result I would talk her head off about the “right choices to make”, force her to see the consequences of her actions if she made certain choices, start letting her hang with me when I could even in environments she had no business being in. (my bad conscience couldn’t allow me to see that, I was just trying to get rid of that guilty feeling because I felt like my neglect was the reason for her choices) Now the truth to that is I can feel bad for treating her mean, but her losing her virginity & whatever else she did had everything to do with her personal choices, not because I was being mean to her. So now I see the choices she makes, and the consequences she endures and I am there with a listening ear but no longer am I trying to stand in the middle trying to save the day.

I read the paper and 2 out of the 3 ways Jill defined as sincere faith...I don’t display.  One more thing to add in prayer.  I’m learning now that my performance has nothing to do with anything.  This is a harsh truth for me because I was talking to my mom & telling her how I’ve always felt like the better I perform the more I’m loved...so to come to Christ & finally understand that there aren’t enough performances in the world to get me brownie points...I have to recognize how much I can’t do so it allows me to trust him more, & not try to hide that part of me. 

The one thing I walked away with last night to put into practice is to show my flaws, & to me that looks like admitting when I’m wrong, saying I don’t know when I don’t know...stop being afraid to try for fear of failing. I’ve been crying alot and having a lot more intimate moments w/ GOD ever since this fast...boy I tell you..emotionally I feel like it’s not over...it’s like I’m taking things out of my quiet time and trying to apply it in real life. I tell GOD my honest feelings in secret...now I have to stop fighting to keep them hidden when I interact with people...because that’s how people get to see HIM...& not this fake me.

I also loved the story about Talita & not wanting to spend the money for fear she wouldn’t have anymore.  That was me with my dad, feeling like if I let go of this last little bit of hope I have in him, he’ll disappoint me & there won’t be any more left.  I realized a couple things: 1. Don’t put my hope in him, put my hope in GOD & knowing that he hears my prayers & he controls all situations, GOD is giving me a moment by moment mindset change which is allowing my love basket to be filled..so even when my dad does something that I may feel is a bad move, it’s not affecting how I’m able to show my love to him, I’m not being short with him, I’m not talking to him in a ill mannered way, I’m not even making jokes about him behind his back & surprising I’m getting to the reality that I just badly want his love & attention, & I’m getting it easier when I’m trying to walking in this new found truth. Do I want him to stop using drugs absolutely, but even deeper than that his drug use effected something else I am desiring from him...I’m getting to that part. I’m really starting to see that his actions aren’t phasing the change I feel taking place in my heart.

Mrs. Jill may GOD continue to bless, protect, & strengthen you

I will start by saying that last night open me up so much that I believe the enemy was reall trying to shut my ears But I heard enough from you Jill to know that God used you in a mighty way, When you asked the question Do we think our kids are handicapp?that question spokes volume to me Because I have been trying to protect my kids in the wrong way I did not want them to fall or not have a relationship with Christ so I would literally threatened my boys to go to church. and when they didn’t I would get so upset and feel so inadequate I mean after all we want the best for our children But me I would tell them If you don’t go to church I would take something from them, Talk about control I have got to get to the point that irregardless If they go or not they are at the age where they will be held accountable So I need to get out of God’s business and attend to my own business the last time I checked weeds were growing everywhere in my space lol. The Lord spoke to me last night You have got to stop being a rescuer Your children really don’t need you as much as you think, and If you let me Yolanda I will work it all out. But my conscience wants to believe You are all they have and you must continue to be super mom. as If that was possible. But reality is I want to rescue my kids somewhere in my mind It makes me feel important. Even as I am typing this last line I feel like shedding a tear for fear of losing my place in their lives.

Well, last night I realized that I am a rescuer.  So, now I have to practice not only staying out of other people’s business but allowing the grownups in my life to suffer consequences.  The funny thing is I don’t necessarily do it for my daughter but I will do it for my brother and sister.  Each time I have tried to let them do things on their own the guilt that comes from them or my mother makes me so angry that I end of making matters worse with arguing.  So, now I will let my conscience be clear and allow them to attend to their own affairs which they are quite capable of doing.  Thank you for being transparent and putting a voice to what I am trying to do.  Thanks.

Jill stated in the message that a “punisher mentality won’t let you see God’s true essence”.  While allowing God to develop in me a healthy conscious, I asked myself how I function with this type mentality.  It’s when I associate “human” responses/mannerism/behaviorism to God and live expecting Him to respond to me in such a way that I am functioning with this mentality.  This mentality is contrary to me trusting that every place where God is it is a saving place.  Without the latter mind set, I stay in an unsettled way, always anxious about things that are beyond my control and working out my Lynnita solutions to things that I thought I could control.  If I truly shift and embrace that every place where God is it is a saving place – fear would have no strength in me.  Instead, I would be able to see God’s true essence because I would be viewing and experiencing my situation/circumstances from God’s love perspective not punishment. 

@ Jill:
I am working to really get to know the God of Psalm 139:7-12.  Like they say in the street, I know Him but I don’t know-know Him like this.  When I am going in the up parts I’m fine, but when the writer says things like the “distant” shore etc that’s when my eyebrow can go up and I start wondering about His presence/being with me when I don’t feel the same or don’t seem to sense him near.

Ps 139:7-12
Where can I go to get away from your Spirit? Where can I run to get away from you? 8 If I go up to HEAVEN, you are there. If “I” make my bed in HELL, you are there. 9 If “I” climb upward on the rays of the morning sun or land on the most distant shore of the sea where the sun sets, 10 even there YOUR HAND WOULD GUIDE ME and your right hand would hold on to me. 11 If “I” say, “Let the darkness hide me and let the light around me turn into night,” 12 even the darkness is not too dark for you. Night is as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you. (God’s Word Translation)

There is nothing like a “Spiritual Chin-Check” to burst my “Love Bubble”. I was getting to the point where I felt like my love was God’s love and my heart was in a good place...dead wrong. I never questioned my sincerity or my motives until now. The more I tend to get on my high horse...so to speak, the more God reveals that I am just one of them filthy rags that you spoke of but when you (Jill) spoke about God’s love being like that of a parent, I realized that He would never set me up for failure and He wants me to get better and succeed. I know now to step aside and let God check me when necessary. Flaws and all...I’m putting it out there. I don’t have the excuse of ignorance anymore. I gotta thank God for loving me enough to hit me where it hurts and thank you Jill for delivering again!

The old Crystal was very present in last night’s lesson. I’ve recently wondered about two very close people in my life. I find myself asking Lord, why aren’t they getting it? When I was going through my season, did it take me this long to GET IT?! And then Jill says, “When you’re a blamer, victims are drawn to you. Some people are there to mirror some things. Most of us are not fighting to be competent; we’re fighting not to be inadequate.” HA! Are you serious?! I now see that my blame is like a running faucet; it has cost me so much; unnecessary arguments, unnecessary resentment, attracting unwanted conversations (about nonsense). People that I don’t even talk to on the regular will call just to talk about someone they want to blame (I didn’t realize it before last night). My perception was, we have things in common (like a birthday, or kids the same age lol, not realizing we had more in common than I thought.

I’ve wasted so much of my life not having a well-developed conscience, that false guilt did bring excess and I can tell just by dissecting those issues, what came with it, because they are not attached to anything else but that. John 3:20 showed me that I was used to OFFERING my testimony/shortcomings, but as soon as someone else OFFERED my FLAWS, I disassociated myself from them, because I couldn’t see God in that, I saw as attacking me. I covered up my mistakes by saying “yes I did wrong but…”.instead of accepting that I made mistakes, and I never forgave myself for none of it. I isolated myself from a lot of people because I turned into exactly what verse 20 and 21 say, “Everyone who does evil (make mistakes; has flaws, is slight) hates the light (the heavenly light), and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed (and they will be punished) 21 But whoever lives by the truth ( I don’t know it all; I am human) comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God(his maturity is based on God’s deliverance and not his/her own competency, intelligence, know how).” The very thing we try to shield ourselves from, could be the very thing God is trying to use to bring glory to His name.

God showed me through a human (my husband) that I don’t have control over anything. Things I felt I couldn’t penetrate translated to me as him misusing his authority as head of household. Not being tuned in to the spirit of God, I couldn’t hear Eph. 6:12, “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood.” Gen. 20:10 showed me how to be tactful, even when things get uncomfortable, I don’t have to loose it, just simply ask, what did I say to make you react/respond that way. What did you hear me say? Just that in itself will enable progress.

God is cleaning house like never before, and I know there’s more, I’ll just wait to get my spanking again next week Thanks Pastor Jill. I really enjoy the lessons God gives you to share. They are truly life changing.

There are so many transitions in life and your example about how someone keeps succeeding and eventually believe their own hype was so vivid for me.  The evidence of success and everything I put my hands to “turns into gold” gives me a false sense of “competency” and as you said caused me to gravitate toward my strengths so that I could continue in that pattern.  I even see this at my job.  I work the mess out of my strengths but even if I fool them, I am not fooling God.  You were on it when you said when we get put in situations that make us uncomfortable, then we hide and act like we aren’t flawed in these areas.  This is truly disguised faith – I’m not acting like God sees it first.  He knows I am flawed and knows that I fear the result of others knowing I’m flawed.  I so appreciate the phrase “sincere faith”.  Understanding that I am only being asked to bring my sincere efforts to the forefront whether flawed or perfect (in my eyes of course) but understanding that to God it is pure because it is done with the intent of trusting in his love for me. By allowing myself to be exposed to the heavenly light and my sinful nature (fear of inadequacy and running from being viewed as incompetent) I am setting myself up to truly be saved.  It is so important to keep in mind God’s character “he is ALWAYS trying to save me” okay, I have to say it over and over… “ HE IS ALWAYS SAVING ME…. HE IS ALWAYS SAVING ME”! This is so evident in the Abraham and Sarah story. If you look at each person’s aspect of the story (Abraham, Sarah, the King), God’s love was always saving.  Condemnation and punishment is never his intent so we have no need to fear. I think I am actually getting a deeper understanding of the scripture, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1John 4:18). Of course it casts out fear – because there is no punishment or condemnation…only saving going on!  Why would anyone fear being saved?
If I continue to submit these hidden fears to the light, I give myself the best opportunity to grow up in God’s love.  Amen.  Thank you Jill for exposing yourself to God’s love so that you can be poured out as an offering.

The clip about the mom and daughter made me think of what I went through with our oldest daughter. That was 9 years ago; I finally got out of Gods seat and stopped trying to do his job. I could not do it anyway but you know what I mean. My Ah ha moment was that part on the lesson that said “when we do not have a well-developed sense of right or wrong, we open the door to false guilt that brings with it excesses too”s, extremes… Consequently many of our too’s, are an overcompensation for something we fear. Sometimes we’re not in love with needing to be on top but are in fear of people seeing our flows.” I will say that I received my deliverance with my daughter, but I see where I have transferred it to the work that I do with Family’s. (SMH) I have a tendency to want it more for them than they want it for themselves. The very thing they are going through is what they need to go through for God to do in their life what he needs to do. At times I go above and beyond the job discretion for my own recognition from the family, so that no one could say I was not doing my job. That’s not good!  I do not want it to appear that I’m inadequate. (Flowed)I have shifted my thinking from False Guilt to Healthy Guilt: a strong emotion which comes from a well-developed conscience. I see now that conditions are not all bad it’s not for me to try to be the one to figure it out or to fix it. I’m there to help them find resources and give support not play God. I thank you Jill for the example you gave about being surrounded by people you always need to rescue. That blessed me I don’t want to be that person any more. I thank God for deliverance and being blessed with you to lead us. Thank you again!

There’s a line from a rap song which says,” I might be too strung out on compliments, overdosed on confidence. Started not to give ___ ____ and stopped fearing the consequence...”.  That line represents where I was. I felt competent in my walk with God, as of I had arrived to some place of spiritual excellence. Then I committed a major faux pas and during the fast no less!  Talk about being thrust into a place of condemnation.
Jill, you said last night, when God gives correction, go with it, not the judgments of others. The judgments of others had me further condemning myself for a mistake I made. But God kept putting in my space that it was not Him who was condemning me John 8:11 and John 3:18 (from last night). In me going with God by confessing my sins and accepting my consequences, I have seen where He is shining His light on those dark areas I had overlooked while I was paying so close attention to my “godly competence”.
I’m thankful to be in this safe place with God as He is exposing my flaws. I’m so resting in His love and hiding in His love away from the judgments I shot at myself and others have shot at me.
As the song says, “I don’t know why You love me and that’s why I love You. You catch me when I fall ACCEPT me FLAWS and all. And that’s why I love You!”

Ok this is craaaazy on my part but I am thanking God for revelation and the pain of pruning as I type my truths!!
Ok so I really took pride in being given a sense of peace about a real serious issue with my biological sister.  Then Lisa Cureton closed our service one Wednesday night and said that she keeps hearing PRIDE.  Well, I always ask God to search my heart and show me if the message applies.  The next day, I prayed and immediately I heard “Now you’re ready”.  I was told to go back and revisit the issue.  I wrestled a minute as I cried and asking God - Why me!  Why do I have to - lord have mercy.  I thought I was done by being obedient and doing what you said do? God showed me that although he gave me a sense of peace doesn’t mean that he said it was over.  He is the deciding entity.  The sense of peace was only for a season that only he determined and I was not in control of when something comes to an end.  Through my tears I knew to be obedient and fight my flesh.  I did what I had to do.  Now on the flip side I still had to call Lisa and confess/share my story because God was talking to me through her.  Thank you God for leaders that can hear his voice.
Now please note, once again I thought that it was allgood that I thought I passed the test - TRIPPIN!!!  Well, I still didn’t get it and truly missed the mark.  Now God is showing me who he is for real and it aint noooooooothing I can do about it!  Again he gets to say what is done and not me.  This pruning AINT NO JOKE!!!!  So here we go again Mia – Because you got to learn!!! Sorry for ya! 
Now, I was also given a sense of peace regarding my marriage and decided that no matter the outcome or if he never calls/reunites, I will trust God to provide always and accept the separation or the end of my marriage period.  I prayed and gave it to God while raising my three sons alone.  After overcoming the initial pain, I even rejoiced in it.  Well, my husband whom I haven’t spoke to in a month has told the boys verbally and text me that he will be coming here this month.  I am shaking in my boots because I had just decided to embrace my situation as is and put a stamp of “closed” on it!  What does he think he is doing and who does he think he is by shaking my sense of peace?  Wow Mia – THAT HE IS GOD!!!!!  My husband shared some insight to what he feels and pointed out my flaws! WHAT?!?!?!?!  I had told myself that I was an awesome wife and would have put my life on it - soooo sad (hate to be wrong )!!!  I wanted to cuss him out and ask him who does he think he is????  But for some reason I couldn’t say anything and couldn’t stop crying.  Now my flesh was furious with me!  Especially when he ended the correspondence by putting me in my place and shutting down the correspondence and said that he has been praying and did not need me in his ear and we would talk face to face about our plans when he gets here - OMG!!!!!!!!  MY FLESH WAS BOILING!!!  PLANS – WHAT PLANS?!?!?!  But I thank God for being beside me to help me tame my tongue, remember the teachings about his way to truly love and although it hurt not to let my emotions take over and rebel or remind him of his fault, I just SHUT MY MOUTH, CRIED, AND PRAYED!  My thoughts then became “NOW WHAT”?  I can’t control this outcome because I don’t even know who he is?  He’s been praying - WHO?!?!? LOL!  What is he going to say???  I called my Cell Leaders to get their guidance – still trippin!  All they did was remind me of the teachings! They reminded me that I am not in control and my job was to keep trusting God no matter what.  They shut me down!!!  Especially Lisa when I was saying stuff like “I don’t know if I want him to come”.  Lisa told me to shut it down and not entertain those thoughts because of where they come from”.  Lord forgive me and please have mercy!!!  I love you both LISA ZACHERY AND PEACHES!!!!  This is what “Not being able to predict the outcome” is looking like to me.  All I can say is MIA, YOU ARE NOT FLAWLESSS - WOW!!!!  I can’t predict the future, have no idea what he is going to say or what will happen when /if he arrives, but more importantly – I Repent to God and NEED MY FLESH 2 DIE!!!!  Thank you God for accountability through fellowship and relationships!  Jill, lady you just don’t know how you allowing God to use you is breaking down all the walls and barriers!  Maybe you do through these blogs!  Thanks for creating this site and may you be blessed!!!!!

On my ride home from work, I was praying and truly thanking God.  When I heard a word regarding spiritual warfare and what a “Sense of Peace” means and what it is truly meant for.

During my time of trial/tribulation/feeling under attack/feeling at my lowest/ and growing weary or tired (even though I am still praying), through God’s mercy he may give me a “sense of peace” (A time/period of Rest) as he knows how much I can truly bare. So he provides this sense of peace (time of rest) and takes me out of the fight so that I am not destroyed by the enemy.  However, during this time I am not only supposed to continue to pray but also nourish and replenish my spirit through studying, truly listening to the teachings, studying his word and remain sheltered in him while getting closer to him to strengthen my spirit to be prepared for what God’s will, plan, purpose, and/or assignment is for my life at any given moment. Because if I proclaim to know him, love him and trust him, then I should understand that I belong to him as a living sacrifice.  Meanwhile through fellowship, and being transparent in relationships, others are battling on my behalf and remain in the trenches through prayer for my healing.  Now God releases me to return to battle, but now I’m prepared to fight my flesh because I will choose to eat the word, chew it up, and swallow it and don’t care that it may have been bitter towards my flesh and not the sweet stuff I am used to.  I trust God enough to accept the things that I don’t humanly understand nor have never seen, eat the meal he provides my spirit and still press toward the mark.

The “Sense of Peace” is not meant for me to become complacent and left to feel like my work is done.  Only God knows when it is DONE.  He is not pruning me, teaching me and training me for nothing, and I can’t take this moment to become lazy!  He wants to use me period for whatever reason he sees fit to do so.  He also breaks my yolks that defy his will during this period and reveals my flaws and faults to be able to truly receive and be of use for his assignments in my life.  The assignment may look like not being upset because my assignment was to allow someone back in my space that has hurt me and to show God’s love by still loving them past the pain and freely giving of myself (not guarding) and not feeling like I’ve been used.  God may use me to show someone who he is - period! In addition, it aint only about me.  How can I help my sister in time of battle when God gives her a sense of peace if I don’t know what it means?  I must know that I need to be in the trenches praying on her behalf for healing during this period.

See I was so worried about me passing the first test when I couldn’t see that it was only the warm-up.  And because I didn’t study the lesson during my sense of peace (time of rest), I wasn’t prepared for the test that was surely coming my way and my flesh almost got the best of me.  But again I thank God for my Cell Group Leaders and my sisters in him.  I will remain transparent and fight so that my soul is saved.  I thank God for his grace and mercy in providing a resting period when I felt I was going to lose my mind!  That is how good he is!  God - even though I aint worthy GOD!!  I will continue to seek him and study his word to prove myself worthy of his grace/mercy and remain spiritually fed (consuming all of the word – even the bitter parts that my flesh wants to reject and that don’t taste so sweet) to be prepared for battle against my flesh.  I pray not to miss the mark, but if I do because I’m not flawless, I will get back up and take my place in battle!

If you aint in a cell group, you need to be!  We need each other yall!  I pray that we all keep striving for the mark in whatever God has for us to do and be there for each other.  Please remain transparent so we can heal and get out of the hospital so someone new coming in can have that bed!  We need to get it together yall and take heed to all of the teachings now! 

Right now my heart is full and I can’t stop the tears from flowing!  This is the message that I hear, so I have to say this out loud, not be afraid of what anyone may think and just be obedient! Dear God!!!  Be thankful to God for the whole meal now while we still can!  Don’t think it’s sweet and we can still select what we want to eat!  You better finish your plate and stop saying you don’t like it and you haven’t even tried it - you just don’t like the way it looks!  You are going to need that nourishment to survive!  Ask yourself, what if God gave our leaders a “Sense of Peace (period of rest)” today or tomorrow and only God knows the time of possible return or if he said it was DONE? What would you do? Did you partake of all that God gave us through his word and the leaders? Would you be prepared and could your soul survive?  Mercy God!!! 

We should know how to lock and load our weapons on our own at this point and not just waiting and allowing our leaders to keep doing it all for us, or sitting back holding the weapon (your revelation through his word/teaching that he gave you, that you keep hidden because you refuse to be transparent and allow others in or reveal your truths.  Don’t you know that is selfish!  Your testimony exists and is purposed to help your fellow-man!) You sit there and keep allowing others to take the hit, all while shooting for others that are weak when you are well equipped and they end up being exhausted with nobody to take their place and never get an opportunity to rest in him.  Forgive us father God!!!!  We Better Learn Now To:

STAND (be prepared, fully equipped with a sense of God’s purpose - using the weapons God has provided through his word)

AIM (be ready and able to see and discern the target areas through HIS revelation)

SHOOT!!!!! (When the enemy is coming for us all – not just look out for you – REMEMBER: No cowards welcome!)

Leaders please know that we are hearing you and are learning to change up and turn on a dime.  Your living, walk, efforts, hard work, dedication, choosing to accept your positions, and diligent prayers over our lives are not in vain!  Thank you God for your chosen few that you ordained to oversee my spirit.  I praise your holy name! 

God, I thank you for this moment and I pray that the words that poured from my heart are pleasing in your sight - AMEN!

I was first awed by the fact that God, through Jill, has lead us on a journey to get to the 3 things needed to get to love (a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith).  Seeing it all come together in this lesson was just a reminder for me of how much God desires to grow us into His image...He doesn’t expect us to get there alone but has made it plain and simple through Jill so that we are without excuse in this area.  We just have to choose to walk in what we’ve been taught and refuse to go back to the way we used to be (as Mimi and Ruth sang prior to the message) in our faulty definition and estimation of what love looks and feels like.

When you (Jill) talked about how having a good conscience means that what we deem morally good and bad must come from what God knows and who God is, I thought back to the time when my mom needed a place to stay.  She hadn’t accepted that she also needed treatment for her mental health issues, so I wouldn’t open my doors to her. I offered to help her with her rent as long as she had a plan for the next months since I couldn’t afford to pay hers and ours.  Because she had no plan, she ended up homeless.  My sister and brother had so much to say about me for allowing our mother to be homeless but my conscience was clear although I had to fight thoughts of their judgments of me.  I had children of my own at that time and I recalled what growing up in our household was like with her untreated mental illness, so I chose to protect my seed from that exposure. My mom eventually came to see her need for help which she got through several programs she learned about while she was homeless and is now receiving treatment and rental assistance for those with mental health issues so she now has her own apartment.  I’m so glad I didn’t rescue her because she would likely still be where she was at that time since there was nothing anyone could say to convince her that she had a problem back then...it was always someone else’s problem so she could never grow since she didn’t see a need to.

As we reviewed John 3:17, I kept hearing fear has to do with punishment (1 John 4:18).  Who stands to gain when we allow fear to keep us from walking in the light and living by the truth?  Only the accuser who wants us to believe that God is interested in punishing us rather than acknowledge that as Jill said: ANY PLACE IN GOD IS A SAVING PLACE...EVEN WHEN HE TURNS YOU OVER TO DARKNESS, HIS PURPOSE IS TO SAVE YOUR SOUL.  It made me think of a time when I was in medical school and one of the surgery residents I was working with told me I was going to have a hard time because of how readily I admitted when I made mistakes (to attendings or patients).  I saw it as an opportunity to grow and not hide.  Fast forward to when I finished residency and read a study about how patients are more likely to appreciate and not take you to court when you freely admit your mistakes but will go for everything you have if they feel that you are trying to hide your mistakes and refusing to admit what you have done wrong.

The who’s at fault, who’s the bad guy question felt like a trick question but I went with Abraham since Abimelech couldn’t have been at fault since he only acted on what he’d been told.  I didn’t think he was a bad guy but I had assigned blame for the trouble his choice brought on Abimelech and every womb in his household. Now I see that Abraham, like me, had to learn that God could be trusted in all situations.  I also see (as Jill said) that I need to put down my judges hat because I don’t know all that God is doing.  1 Corinthians 13:8-12 (AMP) says it this way:

Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. As for prophecy (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), it will be fulfilled and pass away; as for tongues, they will be destroyed and cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away [it will lose its value and be superseded by truth].  FOR OUR KNOWLEDGE IS FRAGMENTARY (incomplete and imperfect), AND OUR PROPHECY (our teaching) IS FRAGMENTARY (incomplete and imperfect). But when the complete and perfect (total) comes, the incomplete and imperfect will vanish away (become antiquated, void, and superseded). When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; now that I have become a man, I am done with childish ways and have put them aside. FOR NOW WE ARE LOOKING IN A MIRROR THAT GIVES ONLY A DIM (blurred) REFLECTION [of reality as in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! NOW I KNOW IN PART(imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood [by God].

This week In several conversations with deron I would have this commentator, I then became annoyed with the commentary that appeared. It was my too virtuous voice the one that looks for fairness, lawfulness and rightness. I rejoice because this was more like an unwelcome old friend than my professor or instructor this time. I found myself thinking, will you bud out, would you stop Interrupting the conversation. Out of frustration I said who are you, where is this unwanted commentary coming form, he/she said I’m what’s left of your judgments. I had no arguments there, just grateful that ithe distinction was made. I did not judge myself either as this was a saving place. I was sooo reminded of the time Jesus asked the spirit it’s name and the reply was legion this too was a saving place for someone who had been locked down for some time. On this day I could see this mannerism as a visitor and no longer my identity, I.e it’s how I process, it’s how I arrange information, NOOOO it’s how I improved my abilities to accuse and or predict. It’s how I turned humans into chairs—Things.  Maybe I should stop calling people miss thing praise God for making it real to me.