The examples given Sunday and also mentioned tonight about getting out of other people’s boxes and get into your own has been a wake call for me.  I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to give advice to friends, family and co-workers that loaded me down so that I wouldn’t tend to my own issues (box).  I confess that I’ve been avoiding dealing with my own issues because I didn’t want to feel failure.  Those who know me know that my weight and not being able to stick to any healthy eating regiments have been and still are a major beast for me.  Although this is not what has been the focus point taught lately but because I’ve been avoiding the truth (denial) I haven’t been fully attentive in any discussions/teachings. My inner Spirit would not let me rest in assurance with any cliche “ God knows my heart” “ God knows how much I can bear”.Totally foolishness on my part.  I’m sick and tired of myself.  I cannot talk about it anymore.  I’m not having pity parties, I’m just blogging to let it out.  This fast has allow me to really uncover the layers of denial, guilt trips that I have had robbing my mind.  I will not speak on my future but I will stand in the Light.  I really feel like this fast, facing my failures and confessing my struggles to God has empowered me.  Things that would normally frustrate me doesn’t (as much) I’m able to love what is not what I expect. Note: I was able to restore a friendship and admit my wrong with my co-worker

This series has truly awakened me to the truth concerning the fears and anxious habits that I refuse to give attention.  I am aware of my fears, however, I do not confront my issues that bring on fear.  I have experienced embarrassment many times and I do not welcome that feeling.  It is time for me to embrace that feeling and learn from it and move on.  I am making what is unreal (fear) a reality.  I do not step up at times because I might make a mistake or say something off.  I was reminded tonight that we all make mistakes.  At times, I feel that my feet are in wet cement and cannot move (fear’s grip) while knowing that cement will soon dry if I do not make a move.  Interestingly enough, my career recently made a major organizational change and after 6 years of working on a project with my peers, my responsibilities tripled and I was placed to work with a whole new team (Shift Happens)!  I did not see it coming.  I admit that I am very afraid but I cannot worry about the outcome.  I will just have to dive in and give it my best shot.  Perfection is overrated.  I, too, realize the need to eliminate negative thinking, exercise my faith and constantly remind myself to trust and rely on God to see me through facing what brings on fear.

I say this is my life here and ain’t no sense in playin’ with it—especially since the Lord has graced me with a second chance to live and to love. I am glad that He is cleansing my conscience of sin and worthless philosophies that don’t profit the Kingdom none – so that I can believe in Him and His ways. And to think that all the nonsense (of perfection and who’s to blame) was a waste of time… Came out of hiding some more tonight – with acceptance of the truth that is.

There was a self imposed threat (I tell you, week after week, I see more of the damage that I’ve done to my own self than any other person has ever done to me – now that’s saying something –but forgiving myself as I go…) that I attached to me not being able to understand some of the unfortunate circumstances (divorce, damage to my kids, homelessness) that occurred in my life:  that threat was simply me experiencing a greater loss of control added to what life had already “thrown” at me. The significance of “who did this”, “why did it happen”, ”what’s the cause of that” gave me some semblance of security – be it a false one because I really had no idea of what was going on– it was something (or so I thought) for my mind to hang on to just to “keep my sanity” (or prevent me from going crazy trying to figure it out – because changing what happened was totally out of the question—what was done was done). Thus was birthed one of my best friends at the time: “Ms. Got to Be On It” (ego trippin’). With her by my side, shoot I couldn’t go wrong. My mentality was “we ain’t getting side swiped, ain’t no getting’ stabbed in the back, and forget creeping up on me—we on top of this 24 – 7!” So I darkened my own conscience with a need and lust to be right and on it – and thus began my plunge into “who’s to blame for this – cause it ain’t me!” which tore up any love God was trying to get me to walk in. “Making mistakes” at that point on were totally out of the question.

But looking back, I found that I spent so much time trying to know (and hide), that I gave up many opportunities to grow (and just ride)…when God was simply trying to get me to let go and entrust my being to Him (learn some lessons, get some discipline, realize it’s not your fault or simply chalk it up to I JUST DON’T KNOW and then be okay with that and keep it movin’.)

I’d fought for a long time “trying to be like the Most High” (being everywhere, at all times, in everything—even in my thinking) so that I could prevent life’s curve balls (or whatever I didn’t like or couldn’t control) and I can tell you Lord – I’ve paid the cost a thousand times over. Panic attacks, stressed out, hair falling out, binging on junk food (hey, don’t let the skinny fool you)— just crazy. The very last part of the lesson when Jill said, “Trust Me. I give wisdom without fault finding” was enough of a promise of love for me to give in again and just let it be (I diffuse the “threat bomb” of lack of control). The inner fight/war just doesn’t seem to be there like it used to be.  Love don’t mean me no harm – and neither does God in His convictions, rebukes and teachings. I feel more at ease and I’m settling down inside now. I guess another bad root just bit the dust.

Great Message,

“Taking responsibility that isn’t ours”

Last Wednesday you mentioned how you wanted your mom to do something with her talent I believe it was something like enrolling in an art school but, she did not do it. Well, i fell the same way except I’m trying to convince my brother to do something with himself, not for me but i feel like he is capable & bright there should be no reason why he is literally not doing anything with himself beside staying in trouble. I had the extra boost to get myself together & I’m trying to do the same for him. Well, when I sat down and spoke with him, I realized all that was coming out his mouth while i was trying to encourage him was excuses for why things are the way they are, and never taking responsibility for any of his actions. My thing is… just how long will you point the finger at our parents or whomever else? Will that be the reason your not going to move on with your life? Are you really that sure and that comfortable with that?
He expects to get full reward for absolutely no effort & wonders why nothing is falling through. I realized I’m going to speak on my behalf from now on & hopefully he hears from God on his own. I can’t tell him how to live his life because, I myself haven’t figured it all out yet. I just know what works for ME and i take steps that dictate that daily. We are just on 2 totally different pages. As his sister i just wanted to encourage because I want the best for him but, i realized I’m the frustrated one and he’s just chillin’. But maybe he has to “miss the mark” and be in an even more uncomfortable situation for his eyes to open. I’m no longer afraid to miss the mark it feels uncomfortable but, that’s the very thing that gives me that extra boost at the end of the day I take it as a lesson learned and not as I failed. You couldn’t have said it any better… I won’t let the hurt override the healing. And for my brother I won’t try to understand his logic I just gotta love him for who he is. It’s just hard to stay in my place when you care for someone. THAAAANK YOUUUU JIIIILL!!

I have walked in denial for so many years. Just lying to myself and to God.  I don’t like to be wrong or caught not knowing something.  Yes, it makes me feel like a failure but there is something in me that says I have to be one up on everything and everyone.  When I don’t know something I feel inadequate and yes I feel guilty and sometimes it is very hard to shake.  There have also been times when I have lied and said I knew something when I really didn’t know just so I wouldn’t feel stupid.  Now I know that this will bring a harsher response in the spirit.

Man,"O" Man, I got so convicted last night! I have a co-worker that did some sneaky stuff to me about two years ago, that caused a lot of confusion in my work environment. I got very upset because the Staff Attorney’s let her off the hook and still gave me the project to do alone. Long story short, I called myself forgiving her! I was telling people that I forgave her, but, told myself I would never have lunch with her again and if it’s not work related, I wont have to much to say to her. Thinking I was doing her a favor by giving her a half a smile while saying good morning or good evening. Now I’m saying is “Lord deliver me from evil and forgive my trespasses”! Jill the part in the lesson that said We can put it nicely on God, that’s just what I did! I was telling people...God didn’t say I had to like her or break bread with her. Today I decided that I was going to ask her out to lunch one day next week and ask her to forgive me for my actions. I also decided to not keep record of what happen between us. Who am I to think that people should have to pay for sinning against me, I am not God and I don’t have the right to judge mans sin, ecspecially when I don’t always just “Miss the Mark”, I know the good to do! Great message Jill! Thanks!

This message has resonated with me so much and has captured my spirit to the point where I couldn’t sleep last night.  My mind was just running, my spirit was on fire. I’ve been dissecting the questions and my answers from the print out, mainly the 2nd and 3rd questions.  My responses forced me to realize that I have the tendency to be too virtuous as well as too wise.  By no means do I think I’m holier than thou or intelligent beyond my years but I know that I project the spirit of being too judgmental of others and their mistakes (in their box and Gods box) I had set the bar too high but in return wanted my bar to be lowered (improper proportions).  I also realized that I pretend to make myself too wise by trying to dig deeper into a situation, reading too much into a thing that I miss the mark. Assuming, because I read between the lines and can see the truth through “their lies” I know all things.  When in reality I know nothing, just my mind playing God. Because of this I’ve developed my own conscience resulting in false guilt and shame in the worldly realm.  But, Jill hit it right on the head “We need a well developed conscience [sense of right and wrong] in the SPIRITUAL realm!!! Ive put so much effort in not being wrong that my conscience has never had a chance to develop and mature in the spiritual thus project out in the worldly.  The greatest passage from last night was when we read Isaiah 7:15-16.."He will eat cheese and honey until he knows how to reject evil and choose good. Indeed, before the boy knows how to reject evil and choose good, the land of the two kings who terrify you will be deserted.” I’m ready to let go of my pride, my fear of judgement, my fear of embarrassment and inadequacy cause I’m tired of eating this curd milk/cottage cheese.  I want my milk and honey and become a decent and child of God.  I’m changing my mind and thought processes and breaking these chains.

@ Cabbie… Girrrlll! In addition to all the other good stuff, you wrote ... “The significance of “who did this”, “why did it happen”, ”what’s the cause of that” gave me some semblance of security – be it a false one because I really had no idea of what was going on– it was something (or so I thought) for my mind to hang on to just to “keep my sanity” (or prevent me from going crazy trying to figure it out – because changing what happened was totally out of the question—what was done was done.”

Jill’s comments
The point about not being able to predict the future is huge. Fault finding and blame has to do with punishment. Searching for answers/guidance is a good thing (ask, seek, knock), but searching for “whose fault it is” boils down to “who needs to be PUNISHED;” who needs to carry the burden… “who sinned?” This type of thinking is soooo weaved into our psyche under the guise of just, fair, lawful, righteous. Ouch! Grrrr! It sounds like “they’ll get theirs - no skin of my back.” Is this implying that someone needs the skin whipped off their back.” Hmmmm! Getting off the destroyers frequency, freeway, highway… I cherish the day I won’t go astray, won’t be afraid, won’t walk away from all truth ...  Moving swiftly on God’s frequency—don’t need you to get yours just hope that you come to your senses, hope you escape the trap of that accuser (blamer, fault finder...); look forward to breaking bread with you gain. 2 Tim 2:25

2 Tim 2:25-26 ... hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, 26 and that they will come to their SENSES and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.

*** Cabbie you also mentioned that the “who did it gave you a semblance of security.” In our efforts to be secure we take control and fight the part of reality that says we are not able to predict the future, i.e., the sun rises on the good and evil; righteous people die in spite of being righteous. Wicked people go on living in spite of being wicked (Eccl 7); By taking control in our KNOW IT ALL - TOO WISE - TOO VIRTUOUS fashion, we never grow up in that area of trust because we refuse to accept that not knowing what tomorrow will bring is true (Prov 27). And like children we fallout; Like Cain we pout and perpetrate; Like Esau we hunt our brother down; Like the Pharisees we claim to see because we CAN’T BEAR feeling inadequate or incompetent. (smh) As a result we continue to carry the burdens and threats of perfectionism and performance. We become our doing part. No one gets to meet us (our authentic selves) because in all things we must look competent. Then we blame people for not “letting me be me.” Claiming to be in tomorrow is Insane & Evil (James 4)

Prov 27:1 ... Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.

James 4:13-17 ... Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” 16 As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is EVIL. 17 Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.

I first want to say thank you for the teachings on Wednesday nights. God only knows I have been getting hit all over the place and I’m ok with that because I prayed for this. For so long I wondered why is it I have been going to church for years, reading the word but for some reason it just wasn’t adding up, but today I see I was focused on the things that fit where I was and how I wanted to live and not how God had desired me to live.
Last night when you said that we tell God to shut up when we tell him how far we are going to go with our enemies, that’s me all they way. I tell myself off the top “ I don’t have to say anything to them I just have to love them with God’s love” You really touched me last night and today I take that statement back and today I am open to whatever God desires for me to do with my enemies. This is a lot but I choose to change and be the women God has called me to be. Loving family is challenging at times so loving enemies is even more challenging, but again I have decided to love no matter what. Good or bad.
Again thank you Jill for laying your life down for us. We do appreciate you!

Last night after bible study I called a friend. See while driving home I heard a voice say call her and tell her to release herself. I thought What? I called… The download of what to say happened in the moment, I preferred a safety net of give me all the details so I won’t feel awkward or offend by saying the wrong thing. I went ahead with the call. She said to me, you don’t know how timely this is.

I called to tell her to release herself from blame and fault finding. We then talked about being competent and not liking to feel inadequate; we talked about the diligence and the effort she puts forth in being competent in every part of her life so it’s hard not to view everything through those lenses. For instance not giving male/female relationships a chance because even in her choice of a mate she must APPEAR competent. I shared with her how another friend was about to show me a picture of the male friend she had been going out with but felt led to tell me “he was a little fat.” I asked her “why did you feel the need to tell me that.” You’ve been going out with him so his weight must not be an issue with you. Besides, I’m married to Deron. Does my own acceptance of my husband say I make those kinds of judgments! We smiled and she began “shaking her head.” This friend also wanted to prepare me for her “so-called failure, not so competent choice.”

Here’s the wisdom I left with my friend last night…

You cannot use your competency scale for work and doing things on human beings because they are not things. Things you can predict, humans you cannot. If you put a chair in a place you can predict that if no one moves it that chair will be in the same spot when you get there tomorrow. This DOES NOT work with humans. They are not settled objects, but works in progress and still growing. Deron sent out a video on day 16 referring to me as an angel One line that blessed me soooo much is when he said “I’m glad I don’t have to live up to the expectations of Jill’s friends.” Most of the time it isn’t us and how we feel but whether we will look incompetent/inadequate/stupid/less than in our choice to be with a particular person. Ummmm Ummmm! So I said to the caller “this attitude occurs when you think more highly of yourself than you ought to.” Our judgments relative to people must be sober and contain a measure of hope, faith and love. Faith is the substance of things hope for and the evidence of things not seen. There’s no space for predictions in that!

Rom 12:3-4 ... For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.

I think something revelatory has happened in my thinking tonight.  Last week God showed me how “I” am the cause of many tiffs in my marriage because I don’t want to be wrong. No I REALLY don’t want to be wrong, and God had you speak on that thing, just like that FOR ME.  So I called MY HUSBAND and said that based on that revelation, I see that I AM RESPONSIBLE for escalating small issues unnecessarily to prove that not only am I NOT WRONG, but that to prove to you that you ARE WRONG. So I apologized and committed to working on it. What does that look like? 1. Not having a comment for everything. Realizing that my tone (especially when I think I am right or am ready to prove my point) can come of condescending and judgemental , more interested in protecting my ego than getting to resolution, or showing empathy or love. 
2. Say NOTHING until I can say it in love. SMH … and if I don’t get to say it, so be it.

I am so SKILLED/EXPERT in protecting my EGO that I can find the part that you were in error and build my case around that in a split second, CHOOSING to not see the LOG in my eye as most important. SMH. You touched briefly on shame, and God showed me how that was not only connected but was indeed the root of my defensiveness. My NEED to NOT BE wrong is connected to my hidden/suppressed shame that I am not smart enough. 
In the lesson you spoke of how the accuser is in your ear, but I realized just how much and how I have allowed him to manipulate me. I believe that at some point maybe many years ago, the accuser was on His job with me, but I have now partnered with the devil in my desire to not be wrong- defending my ego regularly. The biggest part of my not wanting to be wrong has now become learned behavior/habit, but I have to be conscious of that accuser in my ear telling me lies “you are not wrong”, they don’t understand you” It’s not your fault” “ they are tripping” “they think you are not smart” …

Just as the enemy spoke to Jesus in Matthew 4, he speaks to me…
3 The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” 6 “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down.

One of Satan’s jobs is to constantly accuse me before God, and to wage war against my mind. I will NOW look at those thoughts that tell me to protect my ego, as the ACCUSER HIMSELF speaking to me and trying to manipulate me & into causing dis-harmony. NO MORE PARTNERING W/ THE ENEMY to protect something that God is trying to heal in me. Totally ridiculous …

Thank you Pastor, Queen of “Being” You rock!!

@ Erika… I tell you your post got a tear out of me! While reading your post I saw them demons running in my mind—is it okay to say “demon” cause I don’t mind using “unclean spirit.” Mad as all get out but running none the less. This is the BEAUTY of our God… He is truly a healer and not a drug dealer. Not numbing the pain with drugs (accepting our excuses forever) but love… Loving us until we get to his truth. Blame, fault finding, who did it are smoke screens to keep us from seeing what really “has us damned up.” So thanks for baring your soul. The good thing about being free to reveal our hurts to our husbands and others who love us is that they treat us like we really wanted to be treated “delicately.” You’re a free and gentle FLOWER growing wild! 

I am not personally reading the queen be blogs.  In fact, I’m dictating this comment to a friend so that she can post this for me.  I made a statement on Sunday concerning “women not blogging”.  I was passionate about this issue because of the excitement I hear in my wife’s voice as it pertains to the women who are really getting it.  Just yesterday, I was working on a piece I call “How to Love A Black Woman”, I remembered Jill mentioning something to me about women making their hurt their deity so I asked Jill could she write me a paragraph on this subject and I called a few more people who I knew participated in the blog discussion to do the same.  They all informed me that you guys had discussed this issue at length on the blog. So I requested that they make copies of that discussion.  I did this because I wanted to hear from the mouths of women how they really felt.  Boy!!!!!!  Was I in for a pleasant, dynamic, inspiring, eye opening God experience!!!!!! 

As I read the comments on this issue I was so immediately struck by the pureness of the spirituality being discussed, I had to pause for the cause.  The first impression that God placed on my heart was, whoever is a part of this discussion with all sincerity – they are receiving direct wisdom from on High.  Meaning, never before in the history of this ministry have I seen such pure spiritual intelligence being discussed by women who were previously on another frequency.  I also received the impression – WOW!!!!!!  Whoever is not a part of this discussion and has chosen to give in to the fear of not revealing where they are in their true hearts, are missing out big time. No, not big time – they have missed a move of God for this is what this blog represents.

The great thing for me is to hear my wife talk about the entry of women I don’t know, new soldiers who are excelling exponentially over women who have been a part of this ministry for years. Blog on SOLDIER Blog on!

The reason I say this is pure is because by reading six entries I was able to understand the rage that my former black angry wife used to express towards me. I’m telling you, for the life of me, when we had arguments or heated discussions, as a man I would walk away deflated sometimes rejected because I failed to understand that my wife was in a place where she was refusing to be healed and instead of speaking on solutions in the midst of our disagreements she majored in the emotion of hurt and I had to spend countless of hours, days sometimes even weeks having to allow her to filter through her pain before we could have a reasonable discussion. 

From your blogs I learned, in order to love a black woman one must be on it because as far as she’s concerned, when you come against her out of tune behavior, you are actually coming against her god for her hurt is her god.  It was a spirit, or better yet a behavior pattern that became her identity.  My thought was that the only way I made it through her barrage of emotional outburst and or breakdown where she majored in inflicting pain on me was really her way of worshiping her deity.

I don’t know if you guys know or I am just late as all get out, but you good sistas are single handedly dismantling a spirit that has been on the black sistas for quite some time.  I understand how you got there and I understand that you are really good people, this was just your defense mechanisms. 

But I’ll tell you this, for you sisters who are being honest as a spiritual father, I am so proud of you, I’m talking about the women who are actually not saying little fu-fu stuff, but those of you sisters who are putting it out there, get your freaking healing, the water has been troubled. 

Now I’m going to pray for the men who love you. For now I understand the black women beatings I have received for years.  They were the wounds of the Queen Be’s.

Oh, and BTW, I won’t be getting back on this blog unless God directs me…it’s just too deep for a mere male mind

I don’t know if you guys respond to this at all because I’m not sure how your system works.  But if you do have a response I’d love to hear it.  I will just have them forward me your response.

Deron

@ Deron… May Day, May Day, we have an intruder. Lol!!! Seriously, thanks soooo much for peeking in. This is the first time for some of us to hear the words “well done” from a man--- from a father figure.

@ Deron- I’m pretty sure you hear this a lot, but the fact still remains that you and Jill are a blessing to so.... many people both as spiritual leaders and as a great example of true black love.  You guys have set the standard at being persistent in your diligence and obedience in God that one would be a fool to not follow the Word.  Since this blog has started it has touched so many wounded and broken women, in return to open us up to the healing and nurturing spirit of our Precious God!!! Its wonderful to have a sacred place where we can come together and present to each other the process to getting back on the right frequency.

Deron, Thank you for your comments! I was one who kind of feared blogging, because I feared being embarrased (so I made myself believe), so I would only blog if I felt my response was fitting in or I would piggy back off others, but by the grace of God, through the teachings I’m receiving, reading and sharing on the blog about what I “Really” got out of the lessons has help me to grow spiritually. Just being who God has called me to be has helped me not only appreciate life, but has help me to live life too. I am so grateful to both you and Jill, but even more humbled by the obeidence you both have as you follow the Word of God! Thanks again!

When Jill described how having a well-developed conscience is necessary so that I would be able to distinguish right from wrong or call good good and evil evil was a major key for me.  Jill stated:  “when our conscious Is not well developed we get caught up in the excessiveness associated with false guilt….this is when we set out to find “whose responsible for the wrong”…we can put it nicely on God by saying “it’s his will” or on others by refusing to love until we discover who is right, wrong or to blame”.
Assigning no “reason” or “excuse” to something I perceived to be good or bad is new for me.  It was a practice for me to associate something to God or the enemy.  The extent of the error of this didn’t click until last night after learning that we should stop assigning things to God that has nothing to do with him.  One day while talking with a friend, I was frustrated about a particular financial situation.  I remember saying to her, “it seems like it just won’t let up – I can’t seem to get a breakthrough. I gotta search to see if I am in some kind of sin or something “.  A few days after the conversation, this friend called me back and said something to the effect of “why do you ask yourself whether you are in sin, isn’t it just the financial reality that you live in right now?” I could say nothing back to her.  I do remember getting of the phone rather quickly though .  I called her back and humbly admitted that she was right, this has nothing to do with the spiritual things pertaining to God.  When I thought about it after last night’s message, I could see more clearly now Eccl 7:18:  It is best to stay in touch with both sides of the issue. A person who fears God deals responsibility with ALL of REALITY, not just a piece of it.

I attributed spiritual “penalty” to the natural order of things (Lynnita, budget out the payment - period).  Sin has nothing to do with me having to keep paying this bill.  This was the example that came to mind that helped me understand why I need a “well developed conscious”.

I have spent so much time trying to come up with an answer to things when in most cases it just is, I can’t call it!  I would have experienced so much rest if I would have just let it be.  This is the stay a step ahead mental process that I used… If I have an answer or if I reason it out, then I am able to cope better with the outcomes that seem disappointing to me. 

I also recall having a conversation with another single friend regarding “why: we had no man..lol
I told her that we had to stop trying to figure this thing out.  Some of us are doing all that we know to do to stay in the picking (working out, eating right, keeping our spirits in tune with God and much more). At some point I resolved that it is a phenomenon as to why, just rest in God’s love, stop trying to figure out what’s “wrong” or “right” about it, It’s just how it is.

Thank God for coming to heal the under-developed conscious in me!

Jill/blogettes (if that’s a word - lol)

All I can say is WOW - as always to the message that was taught. I look at them as another nudge in the right direction.  It hit home yesterday with me, when you mentioned about not wanting to be wrong.  I thought that I worked on that, but the Holy Spirit showed me where I am STILL trying to be right.  I have a problem wtith being wrong at times. My ego is a beast. It is like I don’t want to look dumb with who I am speaking with. For instance, depending on who I am speaking to (in my own mind more important people - by who’s measure Steph - everyone is valuable) someone and I give them wisdom (just learned last night that all wisdom is not just from God) I will wait until they speak. They will discuss what I said but more eloquently, and then I feel false guilt for not being the one to have said it. I instantly say back to them, “oh that’s what I meant.” NO Steph what you said is what you meant.  I felt false guilt not really realizing that I am stepping out of the postion of God, which was never my intentions (unknown sin or known sin, but keep on doing it).  It’s like I don’t want to look dumb or not respected because you said it in a way that had more meaning.  CRAZY.  So in my mind I am replaying the conversation while that other person is still talking - beating myself up all day. FOR WHAT!!!! I am truly blocking my blessings.  That guilt will remain on me although God has forgiven me. In my quiet time this morning, the Holy Spirit brought to my attention that I always had to act as if I had it going on when I was younger. This isnt’ by no means an excuse for why I did it, but realizing I am still acting as if I have it going on, when I don’t.  Forgive me Father.  It is truly ok to be wrong or not know something, or not say it eloquently as I would have liked.  I had to write in my journal: STOP FRONTIN’ STEPH IN FRONT OF PEOPLE WHO DON’T MATTER. Meaning it doesn’t matter what they think. If I simply didn’t say it in a way I would have liked, I simply didn’t say it. Sometimes it is good to just shut up and hear someone else, because God could just be speaking through them. I want to be right Lord, but I can’t always be. You mentioned when one acts like that it is like telling God you got it and don’t worry about me (in my own words) - it is like I am still fighting an imaginary person that says, “Look at you fumbling - get it together - you look stupid saying that”.  I thank you for the way your brought it last night, because it allowed me to truly hear and understand something that I am doing that is not pleasing to God. 

@Jill I lol when you said May day may day - I thought the same thing until I read his post that blessed me.

@Deron- thanks for the encouraging words.  I truly believe that even though we may blog, we are truly learning something from others pains and transformations.  Also the words that Jill comments back on with scriptures are amazing.  You could read a scripture one way for years, and then look at it from a different perspective. You have an amazing wife (as you know and we listened on your Day 16 blog). I thank you for allowing her to take the lead, because we are truly following her as she follows HIM. 

Stephanie B.

Ok Hi my name is Kyana Bradley and I am a human...I make mistakes, i have good ideas, I dont know a lot of things, I have great talents, I am sometimes jealous, my feelings get hurt, I wish I knew more, I like learning, I dont like reading, I love animals but everytime its time to touch of pet them (goats, cow, chicken) I clam up, I need direction, I give direction, I sin, I think bad thoughts, and what I have gotten from the last two bible studies is that Kyana this is all of you and if you don’t accept what you call “the bad stuff” you also don’t accept the so call “good stuff” therefore sweetie you are not truly being loving and accepting of yourself which makes it had for you to show love and acceptance to others.

Jill said to me Kyana just because you gave it your best effort doesn’t mean that it is deliberate sin it just means you didn’t know.  I want to predict, I want to control because i do not want to feel hurt and uncomfortable or let me say I’m ok with feeling hurt and uncomfortable but only when I’m ready.  I don’t like being caught off guard.  So Kyana how do you follow a all knowing God if you want to control with your very limited mind and ability? (Kyana, I don’t have no clue, please pray for me)

We Jill said I tell God to shut up when sum up His teachings to fit my way of living.  Matt. 16:24 if any man come after Christ he must deny himself...I keep calling denying myself danger or evil and calling good my pride (always trying to be right, hating to be wrong) and operating in witch craft trying to predict the future.  wooo weee!!!

I like list and roles because its easier to follow what I can see, which only means Kyana you are still not trusting God.  By roles I mean, You are the teacher, I am the student, you are a mentor I am the mentee or I am the teacher blah blah which takes all the fun out of just being a friend… I also learned that my list are my judgments (thanks Jill) but it is easier to say I have a problem with destroying my crazy lists rather than saying I have judgements that need to stop. 

This truth hurts because I thought I was growing but who is to say I am not growing and why do I have to label whether or not Im growing...I just need to be thankful that God is shining the light in my dark places…

I have so constructed a person that is “always” (using this absolute was intentional) strong for so long that I can’t even recognize when I am in my weakness (and not the weakness that I can still look strong in) but the weakness where I don’t know, I’m scared, Im embarrassed, I feel shame because it is only in being my true self that I will receive God true healing and love.  So in my quest of being and flowing...I am thankful that God is showing me that I need to shut up, I need to relax, I need not to be overly righteous, I just really sometimes need to walk without knowing where Im going, why Im going, who Im going with, what needs to take place as Im going....Many are the plans of a man but its the Lords purpose that will prevail...if i dont learn how to be and flow the times when His purpose prevails I will end up jumping the ship because I have foolishly thought through me analyzing and looking at all the angles that I know exactly what God is doing...smh pray for me Im done...i got some repenting to do....

Thank you Jill for you the truth it hurts so God...My prayer during this fast is that God will turn me for being sooo much on this world’s page and what better way than to show me thru His servant and His word that I have allowed the world to take up camp in my heart and in my mind...but now its is time to get back to love… 4real 4real

Love you!!!!

This message said so much. by the end of the service i was in tears. I so try to predict what is going to happen in all my relationships. I so don’t want to be caught wrong. i’m currently in a relationship and have been avoiding speaking truth or how i feel on a situation because i dont want to lose the relationship. I have already told myself how he will respond before i say it and i go back and forth in my head trying to play God.The truth is if i dont speak the truth or just share how i feel the relationship will not work anyway.I must bring my whole self to the table. Also thru this relationship i see that I do this across the board in my relationships—desire close intimate relationship but not bring the whole tammy to the table.. I will be stepping out of God’s business. it is what it is.

Next, A well developed conscience i so need this i can see over the last couple of bible studies that this is why my relationship’s suffer i dont have a well developed conscience and because i think i have super predicting powers ( LOL) I never get to have the conversation and stay quiet,not allowing my life to rub lives with anyone else’s. and because i dont want to be wrong and dont have the conversations in the first place; i miss out and walk away with and under developed conscience.
@JIL
Lastly THANK YOU JILL, for sharing what you shared with your Girl friend it truly blessed me and help me understand what i am doing when i try and predict what people will do or say. I thank God for you and what you went through to help us.I thank God for his love for us and for him not leaving me this way To God Be the Glory ( in my annette voice) lol

Yay! I loved getting a note from our “Intruder”!

You know, while I was watching the video of the strict mom on yesterday, I was like, “What’s she doing wrong?” Lol.  Of course everyone let me know (and the little boy’s face...)

I loved hearing and learning that we don’t know the future, especially in the context of whether I’ll make the basket or not, and that I am to embrace the learning process. 

When I was five I starting learning to play the piano.  I wanted to play good and beautiful music, but trying to practice was traumatic (!!!).  Every time I messed up, I would clench my teeth, shake my head, and tap my fingers.  Then I would try again and again, saying, “If I mess up this time...”.  Then I’d mess up and I’d be sooooo frustrated that I’d kick my legs, hang over upside down along the side of the piano bench I was sitting on, and just go on and on, till I would just sit and look at the piano, wondering why...why.

I say all this to give background for my intolerance for me “missing the mark”.  People “leave” you when you miss the mark.  They look the other way.  They talk to someone else.  They choose someone else.

This is a big reason why I get jealous.  If I know God chooses someone over me for some particular reason or position, the first thing I feel is “God’s taking His eyes off me to look at them.” Or, “God is leaving me right now because they’re better.” I did consider, “Am I giving God my best?”.  I feel that I am, but I know that I’m not making every basket.  But I am SO serious that I am trying.

Jill talked about faith.  While I was fighting these thoughts in my head after Bible study, in the car, I decided that even though my reasoning (that I was so familiar with) yielded this self-pity, I would believe in the love that I remembered from before, when God was there for me.  It led me to trust, and to say, “GOD loves me Enough.” That is, whenEver I need His attention, I have it.

Jill, I just thank you.  God uses you to say all the right words--even to me.  Thank you!!

I’m still going over the lesson because something’s Jill went over I couldn’t grasp and I haven’t looked over anybody else’s post yet either. One part I do understand is the point about saying “God said”; when I was broke up with my previous boyfriend I really wanted him to understand the reason I was breaking up with him. He was so irritated because every time we talked he wanted me to get back with him. So we are on two different pages, arguing on Facebook (in private, everyone didn’t see that conversation). So then, I had the nerve to say something about how God is leading me or something and I put that on my Facebook status. I really thought I was right. I wasn’t trying to convict him, I just thought I was being the bigger person. This is my example of saying God said, I knew that I was lusting after him and I knew that was sin, I didn’t break up with him because I was doing Gods will, I broke up with him because I was wrong. At the time I was so caught up in doing the right thing, I thought the right thing was to make sure he understood where I was coming from. Yes, clear communication is important in relationships, but at this point when we were going back and forth, I wasn’t being wise. I was trying to be too wise and spiritualize my sin. I told him that God said we need to break up and he said God is telling him we need to be together. At that time I thought he was crazy, but really both if us was wrong.

Ecclesiates 7:16

16 Do not be overrighteous,
   neither be overwise—
   why destroy yourself?

Another thing I wanted to add is that from that situation, I’m concluding that I don’t like to argue because they don’t go anywhere, but that’s a lie. Communicating my wants and needs is important, but I go wrong when I hold all that stuff in and want to express myself when the “shift has hit the fan”. This ties into what I learnt in last weeks lesson. Jill said that “if I don’t want to feel really bad when I make a mistake, don’t make anybody else feel bad when they make mistakes”. in In my limited experience, I started to come up with a list of things that I want in a relationship (I also watched the
lesson “Our List” on YouTube). When I’m talking to someone and they disappoint me I usually write then off and don’t talk to them any more. A few of the guys weren’t worth my time, but I can not have thus view with everyone. Just because somebody makes a mistake, doesn’t mean that I can’t associate with them any more. I have to leave room for people to be human. So that means I don’t have to be afraid of making a mistake and somebody writing me off. With a clear conscience if someone in the future breaks up with me, I can be hurt, grieve, whatever, but then I can move in and not focus on my mistakes. Not focus as in saying things like “if I would have done this, then it would have worked out”. I can let it go and really move on with my life and ask God what did he want me to learn from the situation.

Tuesday).

@ Jahmella you wrote ... “I was trying to be too wise and spiritualize my sin. I told him that God said we need to break up and he said God is telling him we need to be together...”

Jill’s Comments
You probably didn’t mean that to be funny but I cracked up at both your versions of what God said. This is a perfect example of why people should stop name dropping cuz when he said God was saying the opposite to him, then what. Who can prove that he was wrong? But as you said you were both wrong for using “God” to get your personal agenda’s met. I learned some time ago to not allow myself to “force an answer” and to choose walking away without knowing whether they “get it” over using God’s name in vain. Jeremiah 23 & Matt 5 says it well.

- Jer 23:35-40 (Message version) ... 35 “Instead of claiming to know what God says, ask questions of one another, such as ‘How do we understand God in this?’ 36 But don’t go around pretending to know it all, saying ‘God told me this . . . God told me that. . . .’ I don’t want to hear it anymore. Only the person I authorize speaks for me. Otherwise, my Message gets twisted, the Message of the living God-of-the-Angel-Armies.

37 “You can ask the prophets, ‘How did God answer you? What did he tell you?’ 38 But don’t pretend that you know all the answers yourselves and talk like you know it all. I’m telling you: Quit the ‘God told me this . . . God told me that . . .’ kind of talk.

39 “Are you paying attention? You’d better, because I’m about to take you in hand and throw you to the ground, you and this entire city that I gave to your ancestors. I’ve had it with the lot of you. 40 You’re never going to live this down. You’re going down in history as a disgrace.

- Matt 5:33-37 (NIV) ... 33 “Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.’ 34 But I tell you, Do not swear at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; 35 or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. 36 And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. 37 Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. (

- Matt 5:37 (KJV) ... But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.

- Matt 5:33-37 (Message) ... 33 “And don’t say anything you don’t mean. This counsel is embedded deep in our traditions. 34-36 You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, ‘I’ll pray for you,’ and never doing it, or saying, ‘God be with you,’ and not meaning it. You don’t make your words true by embellishing them with RELIGIOUS LACE. In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. 37 Just say ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong.

@ Crystal you wrote ... Today I decided that I was going to ask her out to lunch one day next week and ask her to forgive me for my actions.

Jill Comments
Good for you Ms. Crystal… We show that we are his daughters when we do what pleases him. His sheep hear his voice!

Heb 3:7-8 ... So, as the Holy Spirit says:
“Today, if you HEAR HIS VOICE, 8 do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion ...

Luke 6:27-36 ... “But I tell you WHO HEAR ME: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. 30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.

32 “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that.  34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ lend to ‘sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. 35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Matt 5:43-48 ... “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

I just posted a comment and it never showed up, so this is me taking my big girl pill and posting it again:( I’ll try not to leave anything out.

Recently, God has shown me through Jill’s lessons that I have missed the mark bad, by my record keeping, wrong doings, mistake making self! An incident occurred where I was asked through text message, by my step-father, not ever to come to his house again. He was done with me. When it first happened I was (I can’t think of a strong enough word to use) livid! “He’s not gon’ pop off on me and not get none back”, then it was through text, that definitely added insult to injury. Btw, my mother was present so she is aware of everything that happened. I’ve tried to move past the hurt of not being welcomed, but in my opinion, it wasn’t the end all to my everything, so I kept it moving, until today.

I saw my mother and cousin in the grocery store parking lot. I had every intention on getting in my truck and pulling off. I didn’t have the strength to play the subtle blame game, midday afternoon. I got convicted and detoured to pass my truck, heading in their direction. As I walked a sadness overwhelmed me, tears welled up in my eyes and I thought this is the first time I’ve seen my mother since the new year. My mother met me half way, we hugged, and she said “My only daughter don’t even call me no more” which for the record isn’t true. I pretended as if I didn’t understand English and smiled to cover up the hurt, disappointment and to prevent from saying it was your raggedy husband who banned me (my kids and my husband) from his house, which in my mind translated into her not taking up me “your only daughter”. Since then, another incident which involves a potential court matter crept up and from that caused even more distance between my mother and I, because even though it wasn’t her decision, his actions caused division and the potential legal matter caused more separation.

During this fast, I’ve asked God to search my heart and show me anything in me that is contrary to His word. I want to be right in the eyes of God, which means, being obedient to Him and His word. This 21 day fast has sensitized me a little more to God’s spirit and even in the midst of me getting fired up He’ll show me (SEE THAT RIGHT THERE IS WHAT I NEED), so I calmed down, and humbled myself and began to pray. He has shown me, myself bare, flawed, and imperfections to be able to take full responsibility of what I’ve caused, created, and destroyed because of an undeveloped conscious, I wouldn’t have been able to see it, blinded by MY WILL. I am more sensitive to my body language and facial expressions, because I want my husband and I to grow, and I don’t want to be a hindrance to him and his growth process. I’ve had a bad habit, very bad habit of keeping record of wrong doings toward me (and close love ones). If someone looks like they want to even attempt to do me wrong I’ve placed them in a boat and before I know it my mother, my husband, co-workers, step-dad, cousins, etc. are all padding in that same boat and I’m always trying to figure why my family isn’t unified.. smh. I’ve often lost my way back to getting the love back in my relationships because I’ve been so preoccupied with placing blame and entertaining warped thinking and keeping score; Me-1 and ya’ll (everyone in the boat)-nuffin!

I’ve learned so much being under Jill’s (and Deron’s) teaching, I wonder sometimes what was I doing before Women Wednesday’s??!! Dying, that’s what, and I’m grateful that God chose someone like her, who I can identify with, and is equipped well enough to bring it the way she does and toss out life lines, just in the nick of time. Thank you.