I have to tell you that tonight really spoke to me.  Particularly the part regarding Cain and his sacrifice.  I was talking to my husband a few days ago and sharing with him that there is a part of me that is always saying reserving my best for me and is concerned that if I give that “part” (that time, energy, concern,etc.) to someone else there is not going to be any left for me.  It has been tearing me up and causing so much friction in my heart because I find myself becoming more concerned with my outcome rather than THE outcome. 

My right mind knows that my best and everything else belongs to God but sometimes I feel like I am in a straight up war to get to that place.  I am trying to have depth and breadth in my life with God not just what appears to be a sacrifice.  I want to be more loving and less critical knowing that my sacrifice is my sacrifice.  God is not comparing my sacrifice to anyone else’s ability (and vice versa).

I keep hearing the scripture: “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?”.

Thanks for the message tonight.  I tell you, as I get older, I am having less tolerance for things that serve no good purpose in my life.  I truly appreciate what you do.

Great message! I can see in areas of sharing with others my thoughts, opinions, and suggestions I sometimes (not doing your best Cab, that’s half steppin) kept them to myself because my ego said “Girl don’t put yourself out there!  You will look stupid!” (ok, all the silly lies about “fearing rejection” –drama! It’s really all about appearance). So, I’m on a mission to consistently master the sin of pride of appearance to others (or what I think I look like) – because that’s the real reason for being quiet sometimes when I have something to say! Whew, bring it into the light girl! But it’s also about bringing “me” into the light not just for my sake but also for the sake of the Body. I steal from others when I don’t bring what I have to say out, because it adds to community and may help build up (“good” or “bad” examples, somebody may get something). But on the Cain tip, I can remember having some slanderous, murderous, evil stuff going on with someone because they were bringing their “A” game and I was not. During that time, I was a jealous, hating somebody. And it was all because I wanted to hang on to my point of “being right” and my selfish agenda and do what I wanted to do. And then get mad because God said go sit down, you gets nothin’! Why? Because you sowed nothing (I’m talking about godly character and working hard, good ethics—not money)! Ok, I was Satan’s persecution tool of choice (thank God for forgiveness – but reapin’ consequences don’t hurt none neither –it’ll get you right!).  So, I’ve been practicing “being” and doing my best (as God reveals, cause my ego can make up something in a minute). That “best bar” seems to get elevated each Wednesday, because God is challenging me to come up higher—again and again.
I’m holding onto the truth we learned last year about the fear of the Lord and now really striving hard – REALLY HARD—with doing what’s right (righteous).  This is a good thing since Jill has been teaching us about true love vs. our street, ghetto version. Not spinning my wheels because now I’ve learned AND AM PRACTICING not getting back, letting it go, and now, prayerfully I’m walking in godly righteousness so that my foundation continues to stick, and these new roots can go down some more. Don’t have it altogether and learning to be okay with that (working with that sin too – everybody sins and falls short of the glory…) Lord, I pray I’m getting it and I hope for consistency in doing right. Sonship here I come! God’s word does have power – I can do what He is asking me to do and He is delivering me, now that I’ve told Him the truth and stopped lying and saying that I couldn’t do it—it was just back then Lord, I didn’t want to.

Tonight lesson convicted me!  I had an altercation with a co-worker who I have identified as a hot tempered person.  Although I’ve known that up front I recently said something to her and she flew off the handle, I attempted to explain that I meant no hard but it excaladed into the worst situation.  I ended the conversation by saying “ I would never talk to you again and please do not talk to me.”. I feel ashame now and it ready didn’t match the frequency. My feelings got hurt and pride step in the way.  I will immediately reconcile and ask for forgiveness to her.  (Not looking for wrong or right)
I’ve told myself so many stories on why I shouldn’t talk to her but I heard the spirit of God in the message. I Repent!

Also (still looking over the lesson), too about God’s gift of conviction, John 16: 8-11. Because I have not been consistently dealing with the “okayedness” of making mistakes, I realize that I sometimes resist that nudging and it becomes uncomfortable to me because it’s still some “wanna be right” there.  But I see that it is God’s mechanism, in His gracious love, to point out something that is “off” and I need not buck it. Being uncomfortable is a good thing, because it shakes me 1) out of complacency and 2) out of what “I” deem to be right. He’s setting me on His good path. I gonna meditate on that one. Funny how you pray for something when your life is jacked and when it comes, hmm, hmm (that good-evil thing is a trip). I am thankful for My Heavenly Father, His leadership inside me and my teachers because I sho didn’t have this kind of training growing up. For probably the first time, I’m really starting to enjoy LIFE.

Every time that I come I learn something new about myself, which is a true blessing in itself. I really felt it when Jill was talking about improper proportions. I have that crown on my head. I am so thankful for hearing that today. My fiance and I got into an argument about purchasing a new juicer after church on Sunday, but really I wanted to spend sometime with him. He planned on going to watch the football game. Well I made it seem as if he didn’t want to participate in the fast anymore nor attempt to lose weight in the future. He is putting his plans in front of the fast and his health.Then I went a step further considering maybe we shouldn’t be getting married, if his health isn’t important then should I be doing this with him? I sound like a nut when writing this.. Then I went to my famous get back which is shutting down and not talking.  Now, what have I learned. I am an extremist and I use improper proportions. I took that situation and went to the extreme with it. It was not reality. My real truth was I just wanted to spend time with him and I didn’t believe that was persuasive enough so I put the fast and health in front of the real reason to put a twist on it! What also blessed me was when Jill said you cannot have something because your not giving it. I ask for understanding, and so slow to give it. I ask for forgiveness, and will half forgive. Just enough for the situation to be dropped. I spend more energy in finding ways to short cut things(half effort), but expecting the full reward. I thank God I am able to just realize these few issues and change my ways in these areas.

Jill, you made a comment about the video that was the most significant part of the message for me..Sahara’s son missing valuable bonding and shaping that takes place by time spent with others. I have been holding my 3 year old too tightly to me often missing out on events (Bible Study) or taking her everywhere I go because I don’t want to leave her with anyone. Tonight was her 2nd time in Children’s church and I felt like I was coming out of my skin (improper proportions!), I think I did better on Sunday because my husband was with me. But I believe the real fear (embarrassment?) that is in me is losing that mother/daughter bond. When I went to pick her up (early at 9pm), she was enjoying herself and hugging and saying goodbye to all her friends! I became really convicted then, I had to repent to God for my selfishness in this area and pray for assistance in decreasing my fears. I know that wasn’t the heart of your lesson tonight, but that word saved my daughter’s life from my foolishness. Thank you.

There are two things that resonated with me last night and led me to ask a question.
One point was about understanding healthy guilt versus false guilt. I have struggled with false guilt/condemnation for a long time. My self-critical voice is very strong. I’m doing better but there is still work for me to do in this area. The second point that really stood out to me was Jill’s statement when she was explaining Cain’s problem..."You have to deal with your shame or you will start to murder others.”
Then later on she said that in relationships women want men to accept them and love them but they do things that are opposite of what they want, like being “standoffish”.
Ok, that is me, I have to admit that.
But my reasoning is was that I didn’t feel I knew enough about them yet. And part of that is really true because we are in the “get-to-know-you” phase. But the other truth was that in the “get-to-know-you” phase of the new relationship I would see habits, flaws, or unresolved issues in the other person that mirrored things I hadn’t totally resolved in me.
So since these are issues/habits/problems within me that I am still working on and don’t feel totally delivered from, I don’t know how to deal with this new person and accept him, let alone wanting him to accept and love me. And they may not even see their habit, or whatever it is, as flaw or problem.I’m the one that is seeing it, wants to point it out to other person, and wants them to address it, because I see it as problem in me.

Ok, so I’m really stuck, and I want to be unstuck and do what is right. I want to really be healed from my issue (rise to the bar) and I want to have healthy, loving relationships not projecting my feelings and fears about something I’m dealing with on the other person.
But I fear moving forward and continuing to get to know the other person after I have recognized that this person is actively practicing a habit that I am working to be healed/delivered from. Like for example, let’s say, I made a commitment to stop gossiping and I haven’t gossiped in two months(so I’m really still working on it) and sometimes he gossips and wants me to join in. I begin to be “standoffish” because I think gossiping as bad.

And on the other side, what if it is something I am not struggling with like the practice of tithing. Ok, tithing is not a character trait, it is a practice based on my beliefs. But what if I find out early on that he doesn’t believe in tithing. That may be fine now because we are not in a committed relationship. But I am thinking long term and I know that is going to be an issue for me. So I say to myself “pump the breaks...”.

In both examples I end up alone, not moving forward with the person or just coming across as “standoffish”, and that’s not what I want. I am feeling and wondering right now, like Cain, have I created the world that I feared the most, loneliness?

@Taliah… You’ve said a lot. If I was in this situation I would say the following to myself. Jill…

1.  God is speaking to You, get out of the other person’s box.

2. Remember the words in Matt 7… when the plank in your own eye has been removed you’ll be in a better position to help others when the time is right.

Matt 7:1-5 ...  “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. 3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
NIV

@Felecia you wrote… I am an extremist and I use improper proportions. I took that situation and went to the extreme with it. It was not reality. My real truth was I just wanted to spend time with him and I didn’t believe that was persuasive enough so I put the fast and health in front of the real reason to put a twist on it!

***Jill’s comments
Thank you for sharing. You learn fast as your post does not read like shortcuts or half-efforts. The message bible version of Cain’s story calls his response “tantrums.”

Gen 4:6 ... 6 God spoke to Cain: “Why this TANTRUM? Why the sulking? 7 If you do well, won’t you be accepted? And if you don’t do well, sin is lying in wait for you, ready to pounce; it’s out to get you, you’ve got to master it.”

*** It appears that you threw a tantrum on Sunday and it also appears that you kicked sin to the curb last night. SIN pounced, but you got you some licks in with this post. You are mastering sin with the truth. Good Job!

Lastly, I must admit I had to laugh when reading your post. I am not sure but if you are Felecia on cameras, your fiance will fly away with the next strong wind if he loses too much weight.

Last night I made a comment relative to people pleasing and I connected it with the sin of divination. Here’s a few things to think about.

Like Cain we have the desire to be accepted [elevated; exalted, raised up]. However, this rising must be according to God’s view of us and not others. We sometimes encourage because we desire to “raise people up out of their slump.” Unfortunately we often do this as if God has “nothing” to do with them being there. The bible talks about praise which is honor, glory, opinion, judgment, view, estimate whether good or bad concerning someone. Years ago, I asked myself what estimate am I giving and what am I basing my opinion on? God knew the true estimate of Cain’s efforts and encouraged him to be loyal to the truth “if you do what is right you will be accepted.” I learned long ago that encouragement is based on facts not flattery. Below are some scriptures that keep me from encouraging people extremes.

Prov 16:7 ... When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.

John 5:44 ... How can you believe when you accept each other’s PRAISE and don’t look for the PRAISE that comes from the only God? (God’s word Trans)

*** Takeaway: some people can’t hear God’s voice over our praise.

Luke 17:18-19 ... Was no one found to return and give PRAISE to God except this foreigner?” 19 Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.”
*** Takeaway: maybe the other nine were too busy accepting praise (encouragement) from one another to recognize what God had really healed them from. Some people do not get to hear God say “rise and go” because they have already been so-called “elevated” by our view.

John 5:41-42 ... “I do not accept praise from men ... (Jesus is speaking here)
*** Takeaway: Sometimes we speak for God—we tell people they have God’s approval… As we learned last night, this is the assignment of the Holy Spirit. 

1 Thess 2:4-5 ... On the contrary, we SPEAK as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are NOT “trying to please men” but God, who tests our hearts. 5 You know we never used FLATTERY [flattering words]
*** Takeaway: don’t make it a goal to try to please men or I might get attached to some outcome. Pleasing God is my outcome.

Job 32:21-22 ... I will show partiality to no one, nor will I flatter any man; 22 for if I were skilled in flattery, my Maker would soon take me away.

Job 32:21-22 (Message Bible) ... And I’m going to say it straight — the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 22 I was never any good at BOOTLICKING; my Maker would make short work of me if I started in now!

*** Bootlicking now that’s funny!

Encouragement vs. Flattery cont’d. A biblical term for how we encourage is EXHORTATION—persuasive discourse, consolation, comfort, calling near ... When flattery is combined with encouragement it becomes “people pleasing”—trying to please people.

1 Thess 2:3-6 (NIV)… For the APPEAL we make does not spring from error or impure motives, nor are we trying to trick you. 4 On the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts. 5 You know we never used FLATTERY, nor did we put on a mask to cover up greed — God is our witness. 6 We were not looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone else.

1 Thess 2:3-6 (KJV)… For our EXHORTATION was not of deceit, nor of uncleanness, nor in guile: 4 But as we were allowed of God to be put in trust with the gospel, even so we speak; not as pleasing men, but God, which trieth our hearts. 5 For neither at any time used we flattering words, as ye know, nor a cloke of covetousness; God is witness: 6 Nor of men sought we glory, neither of you, nor yet of others, when we might have been burdensome, as the apostles of Christ. KJV

1 Thess 2:3-7 (God’sWord Translation) ... When we ENCOURAGED you, we didn’t use unethical schemes, corrupt practices, or deception. 4 Rather, we are always spreading the Good News. God trusts us to do this because we passed his test. We don’t try to please people but God, who tests our motives. 5 As you know, we never used flattery or schemes to make money. God is our witness! 6 We didn’t seek praise from people, from you or from anyone else, 7 although as apostles of Christ we had the right to do this.

*** As for the “fee for divination (fortune telling)” spoken about last night, let’s just say that “bribes” are flattery’s first cousin.

Boy that Holy Spirit hits with accuracy!  Timely, timely message.

The other day a dear friend of mine ( )called something out in me.  To relate it to last night’s message, she pointed out an area in my life where I wasn’t “giving God my best” or “operating in the fullness of my ability”.  Let me tell you, it was some straight up conviction.  It physically hurt my gut.  Now, I’m not one to run from “friendly fire” or to get all caught up on the “well that part of what you said ain’t me” defense mechanism.  I listened to ALL of what she had to say in order to get the SPIRIT of what she was saying.  Once I got it, that conviction pill was a hard one to swallow!  So that night I had to ask myself well, if you know the underlying point is true why is it hurting you so bad?  The answer was “Because I don’t like being found to be in the wrong.” And, I guess, thanks to all your hard work on us, my immediate answer was “Oh, that’s IT? Good. Get over it.” LOL!  I was not gonna spend energy glorifying how much it hurt over how much it’s gonna heal.  Like you said last night you are going to feel something with “healthy guilt” and the only way not to feel it is to numb yourself and that in turn numbs the Holy Spirit.  So I said, I’m not even gonna call her and get into a whole “this is what God is showing me conversation”. Shut up.  God ain’t showed you nothing yet.  Sit alone in silence and bury your face in the dust for a while. LOL!

Another thing I found funny from last night’s message is that whole piece about Cain becoming murderous and devious after he was convicted.  After our conversation, I sent her a text message (cuz I knew she was teaching a class and unavailable) I let her know I was roiling in agony because of what she said! LOL Now, she knows me and knows I’m just illustrative and expressive and I joke a lot.  So one of my texts was something like “Girl I am so ready to fight u! lol ugghhh!” (smh can you see that even in play that was some MURDEROUS talk!! LOL) But then I told her that “ugh!” was just the sound of demons leaving my body! HA Now that was a joke but even in that I told myself I’m not gonna say another word about how much this hurts because even in jest I don’t want my words to empower any fleshly rebellion against the truth, and I surely didn’t want to shut the mouth of my angel.  I know for me, if someone acts like the truth I’m telling them is oh so much and they just adamantly don’t wanna hear it, pssh! I pick up my pearls and BOUNCE. LOL Let ‘em go to the pawn shop for some fake ones.

Anyway, because I sat through that uncomfortable process and didn’t run from it or try to comfort myself, God began to illuminate my mind and bring forth examples of where I’m missing it, prayers I’ve sent up to Him that’s being held up because of this, and visions He’s given me about my purpose IN HIM that’s alllll related to this revelation.  Then I saw that I don’t like being found to be in the wrong because I feel like “well how in the world am I supposed to change this??” And that’s what leads to “Ok I will, but lower the bar first” thinking or making a bunch of excuses and saying to God “Look you just gonna accept this ‘dried up cauliflower’ offering cuz it’s all I got!” LOL!  So I’m holding onto what you showed us last night through John 16:8 that God will let you know where you are missing the mark so that you will know what DOES please Him and if He shows you something, you will HAVE TIME and OPPORTUNITY to correct it!  Also, instead of being ashamed or embarrassed for having a weak spot, I’m going to boast in my weakness so I can lean on God’s power. (2 Cor 12:9) He knows I can change not because I’m so awesome but because HE IS and He knows the treasure HE put in this weak little jar of clay!  I’m taking the focus off me, putting it on God and trusting that He’s gonna show me how to do that high jump! BOOIIIIIINNGG!

** Saw a quote online yesterday that said “The truth will set you free but first it will p*ss you off!” **
A to the Men!

Jill, last night you brought clarity so some areas of my life through bible study last night.

1. I am wasting my time with trying to get my son to “see” the rewards of doing his best, especially since he is graduating this year.  However, I want it more than he wants it for himself. I get irritated each time I look at him, because I want him to pick up a book and learn (crazy). But you hit it last night with “wanting full reward from half credit”. I cannot keep praying for a miracle to open for a college other than community college to bless him.  Don’t get me wrong, I truly know God can open doors, but if he isn’t doing what he needs to do, why am I giving up so much energy and frustration.  This also goes with the scripture in Genesis with Cain.  You brought that story to a different light.  He has lowered the bar, and I am not the one who keeps lifting it up (even though I cannot not). I just have to have the faith that Gods will, will be done in his life and move forward with just loving him.

2.  “People who desire the bar lowered are claiming inability where ability exists” - Wow what a powerful statement and oh so true.  Why am I praying for certain behaviors/attitudes to change, when God has already given me the ability to do it.  It is like (to me) wasting my prayers.  Like Nike Steph, just do it.  I would call somethings timidity, or people pleasing, however it is true sin. If God has given me the ability to speak or say a word to someone, I cannot shy away, or have thoughts of what they would think if I said something that was the truth.  I sometimes would say what God would ask of me to say, THEN back it up with something to ease the blow. WHY??? That wasn’t the instructions.  I did not look at it as “SIN” but trying to bring peace.  I am hindering my own growth when I do that, and I maybe enabeling the other person. Thank you Lord .

3. “Master your sin of missing the mark” without giving it a title.  I would call things other names such as fear, passive, etc., however I never called it sin.  It gave me a new look at myself today.  I had to apologize to God for not addressing what it truly was - sin.  God has given me the power and strength to carry out His mission in my life.  I cannot allow thoughts of others (that I truly cannot see them or even will ever know what they are) stop me from fulfilling my destiny.  I can no longer go on sinning in that area of my life. HELP ME LORD. I have to put forth my best effort and master the sin in my life. 

Stephanie

One last thought - When we watched that show last night it hit home with me.  My whole life my family always want to “keep” things from my grandmother because they said she was old and did not need to worry.  My brother has a baby out of wedlock (which all of the kids did) and they couldn’t tell my grandmother, simply because she wouldn’t understand. My nephew was almost 2 when they finally told her she had a great grand child. Then I was so angry, because I couldn’t understand why someone would keep a child from someone.  They would keep so much from my grandmother, but realizing it was their own embarrasement (shame) they wanted to hide.  Thanks for the video -

Last night was just another eye opener to the things that I’ve been truly guilty of. The combo of the word that Jill brings forth and the fast, my mind and eyes have been opened to change and rebuilding what I never knew was broken/wrong in me. With this new knowledge I now know that I have been the ultimate giver of improper proportions (WOW!, never thought I’d hear myself say that). I’ve been told of this “you take things too far”, but because of my pride, and never wrong attitude, I respond “you don’t understand, YOU ARE WRONG”. I was reacting with my attitude of fear of inadequacy, and insecurities which were pushing people away and stunting my growth. Since we’ve been on the topic of love, I’ve decided to make some serious changes. I’ve confronted my fears as just being my discomforts to the situation as opposed to the horrible danger I thought I was in. God is really working on me with love and being receptive of it as well as giving it like He does (unwavering). Like Jill said last night “People want full reward for half effort” as well as you cant expect someone to love you if you don’t allow them or if you act “hard” all the time. This is one of my issues. I was in a relationship where I was never wrong I mean never!! Or so I thought. I expected to receive preferential treatment but didn’t produce the same. I wanted to be treated like a “keeper” but acted like I didn’t want to be kept(SMH). I’m letting my guards down to love, becoming transparent and vulnerable so that I may see Gods way for my life. Thank you so much Jill for giving us truth and something to think about.

@Tonya ... what a wonderful gift I received from you today—the gift of laughing to tears! The fake pearls bit was hilarious. I can picture your depiction of handing God a basket of cauliflower with an attitude. You certainly have my kind of humor—a mixture of wit and sarcasm The “don’t want my words to empower fleshly rebellion”—how profound.

From reading your post I see that you get a lot more than I can spell out in this post—it would just be too long.

Again thanks for the fake pearl’s piece I’m gonna search the web for the phone #’s of a few pawn shops and keep them nearby.

A few things stood out for me last night,
1st was that I need to stop putting so much energy into the smallest things (improper proportions) & trying to hash out whats right or wrong, or who’s fault it was.
2nd was when Jill said you can’t hope for someone else you can only be the light, that spoke to me because i find myself doing this a lot, hoping and trying to change my little cousin to be somebody who she’s not ready or want to be when thats not my job but GOD’s job, i can only be her light and move out of Gods way.
3rd that when you do what is right you will be accepted by God, when you put your best effort forward you will get the reward accoring to your deed.
4th John16:8 says He WILL come to convict the world of sin, to show the world what has GODs approval and to convince the world that God judges it. This hit home for me, because when I got my 1st tattoo it was on a sunday, right after i got it i slammed my finger in the door. Then years later I got my 2nd tattoo on a sunday and that very night i broke out extremly BAD. I said if this is NOT GOD convicting me for marking his body up then I dont know what it is...But I Tell you one thing I never got ANOTHER One after That lol. People Ask me do I want anymore tattoo’s & I say child please you couldnt pay me to get another one of those things. LOL
Thanks Jill for bringing it each and every wednesday!!!!!

@ Venetta Prov 14:12 came to mind after reading your post and some of the others. ...

- Prov 14:12 ... 12 There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.

*** For this (Prov 14:12) and other reasons, we really need the convicting functions of the Holy Spirit to SHOW us what has God’s approval. And as long as we were stiff-necked [head strong] with uncircumcised hearts and ears (Acts 7:51-53) we continued to resist this wonderful gift that God gave us so that we would not be “left out there” with the rest of the world. (1 Cor 11:32) As a result of this resistance, we betray, murder, persecute and kill God’s true messengers. And we cling to those who have the message that flatter us. (Luke 6:26)

Acts 7:51-53 ... “You stiff-necked people, with uncircumcised hearts and ears! You are just like your fathers: You always RESIST the Holy Spirit! 52 Was there ever a prophet your fathers did not persecute? They even killed those who predicted the coming of the Righteous One. And now you have betrayed and murdered him— 53 you who have received the law that was put into effect through angels but have not obeyed it.

1 Cor 11:32 (NIV) ...  When we are judged by the Lord, we are being disciplined so that we will not be condemned with the world.

1 Cor 11:31-32 (Message Bible) ... If we get this straight now, we won’t have to be straightened out later on. 32 Better to be confronted by the Master now than to face a fiery confrontation later.

1 Cor 11:31-32 (God’s Word Translation)… If we were judging ourselves correctly, we would not be judged. 32 But when the Lord judges us, he disciplines us so that we won’t be condemned along with the rest of the world.

Luke 6:26 ...  Woe to you when all men speak well of you,for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets.

- False Prophet is one who, acting the part of a divinely inspired prophet, utters falsehoods under the name of divine prophecies; a pretended foreteller

Tonight’s message really was the one for me.

Before coming to the Soul Factory, when my life was torn up by family breakups, multiple deaths, crushed dreams, and ended engagements, I began being compelled to “praise God with a loud voice”.  The problem was I wanted to do it in inappropriate places.  It was my way of bringing God into a place--so I thought.  I would be afraid because I knew people would think I was crazy (and that self-fulfilling prophecy came true!), but I felt that if I didn’t do it, I wasn’t allied to God; it would go something like this: 

I feel compelled to shout, someone asks if I’m ok, I think: do I give them my power and make them comfortable by acting “normal"--or do I cling to what I’m “convicted” to do?, meanwhile, while I’m vacillating, the person is alarmed by my silence to their simple question and brings someone else in: “I don’t think she’s ok”.  hearing this alarms me: “They think I’m crazy, they’re going to put me back into the hospital!” Then my mind starts to race, which causes paralyzing anxiety and I’m back in..I’ll say, bondage.

Through the church by faith I stopped the practice, but tonight it was resurrected: Do your best.  Give God my best.  So I did it.  Luckily, I stopped myself from calling myself crazy, but I still felt in the wrong.  I thought, “After all these years, is this happening again?” But, I decided that God had grown me up considerably, and that I had been given tools to confront it.

I told a friend the story, she said to just pray for balance.  Later I prayed: “God, I just want to bring Your light into a dark place, and I don’t have the power to do it any other way.” Then I realized I was claiming inability. (Thanks Jill!) I had let the powerless feelings of not being able to mend my broken family, etc., switch my focus from love to--what is it--divination?  I do have the power to love, and to spread love, but I can’t heal 1)without God or 2)without their cooperation...or 3)if I’m sick myself!

I’m so grateful for the emphasis on what’s most important: love. And for showing me that it’s not my job to control people.  It took a loooong time, but it’s just in time.  Now I feel equipped to shine with love and with truth to my family, cancelling debts and allowing them to be themselves, entrusted to God.  I feel healthy again. 

Jill stated:  “Cain became downright vicious when he felt that he was not accepted by God, but the real issue is that he wanted the bar lowered, hoping to get full reward for half effort….  When Cain could not get his bar lowered, rather than rise up he choose to murder, lie and whine.  He was then turned over to what he feared the most abandonment and wandering. Sometimes we create self-fulfilled prophecies. We create the world that we fear the most and then blame God or others for it.”

After last night’s message, I could see how I have reaped “self-fulfilled” prophecies in my life over the past few years. I realized that I have been calling things fear but it is actually “sin” me missing the mark in the areas of love, forgiveness etc.  For example, the sin of “keeping people on the hook” has been the blocker of my love flow.  I didn’t even realize it until this morning…

There is one person I tolerate but deep down inside they irritate me to the point where I only want to deal with them when I have to.  Years ago, we had a brief relational something that ended abruptly. I forgave them and was over what happened but yet still didn’t want anything to do with them.  Well last Sunday, when with this person and some mutual friends, one friend said hey let’s get something to eat.  The other friend said well let Lynnita ride with (I will call them X) and we (the mutual friends) can ride together.  I think the hair on my back started poking me and I absolutely did not want that to happen.  While I was trying to keep this feeling under raps, it was obvious that I was uncomfortable (now get this, X was not some abusive, person that would be harmful or would endanger my safety).  I realized that there is something happening and it is not good that I responded that way. 

This morning, I realized that I put up blockers.  I realized that when I see the person, I am reminded of the efforts it took to “love” (even if it was imperfect love – I was trying to do it at the best of my awareness at the time).  And when things crashed, all the so called love effort, all the forgiveness etc crashed with it. 
So while I had the ability to be conversational, social and relate to them about surface things, when it came time to allow them in that personal love space that God requires of us believers as a duty (that basic brotherly kind of love)- I blocked it.  So I am understanding this is one of a couple examples where living with blockers around my love part is what has been masquerading as fear i.e. allowing me to continually be in sin (miss the mark) in loving i.e. continuing the cycle of the self-fulfilled prophecy (you block love out to protect yourself in turn you also block love from getting in). 

Still working it out with God…Thank God for not letting me stay this warped way!

Hello, my name is Crystal (waving)and I too am guilty of improper proportions. I relate to this message because I’ve victimized myself into thinking if they don’t hear my way, or see my way, then I must stand firm in what I believe until they get it. Right?! I believed standing firm and not wavering was best because it was scripture. 

Not realizing at the time I was so wrong because 1. I hadn’t taken time to pray to find out how to address the situation in the first place. 2. Putting myself in the solution was simply telling God that I didn’t need his help, which meant the problem would remain. Then I would go to great lengths to elaborate exactly how right I was, adopting things along the way (regret and unworthiness), before I knew it we’re arguing. Even though what I said was relevant, I find myself distant from something I love. Feeling inadequate because I tricked myself into thinking because someone disregarded my suggestion, on one occasion, now I’m not good for anything with this person, and I found myself constantly seeking approval and feeling inadequate.

I know now, that I did’t have to feel that way if I’d allowed God to reign in the situation in the first place. My family is getting better because of the teaching at The Soul Factory. My heart Thanks you and Deron for always being transparent with us. My husband and I have grown so much from you both and will continue to do so under your leadership.

Thank you Jill for another insightful evening into God’s truth!

In the video observation, I identified Sahara’s embarrassment and shame because years ago she represents a mirror reflection of where I use to be.  After my divorce, I had feelings of inadequacy.  I felt victim to failure, scared of being perceived as a loser or scared of judgement by what others thought of me.  Although never with my mom, I never felt guilt-free when disclosing my truth to others.  I remember the anxiety I use to feel whenever the “D” word was mentioned, whether it related to me or not.  It was only God coupled with counseling and the truth being brought forward at Soul Factory that I began to regain myself and let myself off the hook.  My reality was “improper proportions” which cause me to downward spiral out of control.  I gave energy and life to circumstances and called it danger zone when all along it was discomfort zone.  I’ve grown up since then.

Thanks be to God I’m back and on my way to being the me God intended me to be.  I have to step my game up in some areas of my life.  I can see places in my life where I want FULL reward for half effort essentially lowering my own bar to meet my self-fulfilled prophesies.  I’m a work in progress but refuse to rename my shortcomings fear when truth is it is SIN.

Thank you Jill for clarity.

I find myself in a similar place as some of the other women commenting on the blog, realizing I have not been giving my all to God. 
Yesterday, I attended counseling before Bible Study and my counselor told me (if I remember correctly) I am living my life like the one talent man.  I have gifts (she called them positive attributes) given by God, but I bury them in my thoughts, judgments and anxiety. I am not (was not) allowing God His full return and more.
I read Ecclesiates 5:18-20 in the Message bible.  The title for that portion of Scripture is"Make the Most of What God Gives”.  This Scripture coupled with Jill’s “just do it” lead me to this conclusion.  In order for to be completely me,which will alow God His full return, I must just do it.  As the Scripture says, taking into account the world today, I need to take care of myself by ensuring my life is in lined up with God’s will.  I can have a good time loving, living and celebrating life.  And to make the most of whatever job God has given me requires me not to bury the talents, my positive attributes, within my thoughts and anxiety.  All these things are gifts from God.
So I’m going to just do it!  I’m just going to flow in being the quirky, silly, driven, compassionate, caring, knowledgable, God fearing me.  I’m going to just do it!  I’m going to be intentional about facing judgments head on, hitting them with the truth, Jesus was the only one on this Earth given the authority to judge.  No longer will I see my life, my world as abnormal.  God had gifted me with many things and I need to treat them all aas such.
Nike check!

I was thinking all through the video “I would do this and I would say that ”. Then you Jill said just wait. I should have left the room then. You shared the definition of fear, shame and embarrassment. I wanted the altar call. I begin to repent and listen carefully. I did not have a son or child but the secrets in my life? I did not know that embarrassment (shame) was so rooted and damaging to the spirit and kingdom of GOD. That embarrassment and shame have kept me from giving my best offerings to GOD. I missed the mark (sin) because of the opinions of others (that I held in high esteem). Most of the time these were my very own fears and thoughts. I am one of those that put too much into what is really going on (over thinker). I repent. This is an area I must change my way of thinking immediately. Each women’s bible study is raising the bar higher and higher. Thank you. I am guilty of leaning on my daughter too much. I repent. I thought this was over and done - I need some more healing in this area too. I hear in my mind Eccl 7:13-19 …“why make yourself miserable”?

wednesday message was great for me. i could see how I am creating the oppsite of what i want buy my standoffish behavior i can relate to taliah example whole heartedly. I also she how my thoughts of my life and view points stifle my daughters ability to be free and live meaning because of my choice in the past at her age and all the things that happen to me i fear that they will happen to her so i set up way to many blocks and she is suffering in the process because of my over protection(phobia)It so scary But the more I admit that it is a phobia the more I get some answer not all the way there but on the way did not relize how off i was .. or would surpress when ever it came to surface.